I am so giving up on that thing called love.. to much heartbreak for me.

I was having a chat with a friend of mine last night. He told me I need to "aim my expectations high" I thought that was what I did. I'm thinking that maybe I aim them to high, that they can't be reached even when a guy tries. At this point in time, I am just going to resign myself too the fact that there is no one that can match my ideal. I am sat here looking at all the gifts that were showered on me.. Being the person I am, I am debating on whether I send them back. Not out of spite.. I love the things that were brought for me, and at the time the sense in which they were given to me. But merely because the expense of them all. I feel guilty having these things now.

I have not eaten or really slept properly in what feels like an age. I keep trying to "run away" but it isn't working. He keeps ringing me and today I finally broke down. He replied that he knows he is being selfish, and that he is going to give me "space" I wish I understood what goes on inside men's heads.

For a while I guess, I had a taste of happiness again. Now it just feels like it has been ripped away from me. My little girl came into my room and wrapped her arms around me and said "Mummy I have never seen you so sad" she then kept coming in to check on me.

This blog post might be all back to front right now.. it is exactly how I am feeling. I am lost, confused, and hurting. I guess karma is a bitch after all.

The American dream.. what?

I guess you could call this a continuation from the previous post. That's if you care to. Anyway I woke up this morning. Seems I just had to give a certain someone time too get his head around things. He finally said this morning;

"that feelings and emotions have subsided and yes I think we should call it. I don't want to hang onto you just because I feel that you are going to replace me."
Whatever the hell that means.
But that was his way of telling me its over. So again.. I am left in the dirt. To pick up and try too piece together my emotions. I knew I was better off single. Just the kids and I.. it makes sense.. and I probably have said this before.. but no more. Every time I start to feel a little comfortable with a guy.. it turns upside down.

I think I will go get drunk...

Till next time..

Good news..Bad News..

Hello out there.

So I wake up extra early today. I wasn't able to sleep. I guess I had something on my mind, but wasn't to sure as too exactly what. Well I turn over and the "boy friend" is waving at me to put on the headset, he had something he really wanted too ask me.

"Danni, I been up all night, and I been thinking like crazy. Are we going to make it?"

Now bear in mind, I have only just opened my eyes! Isn't it customary to at least say "good morning?" Well you can guess the tone of the next couple of hours.. We were both emotional wrecks about two hours later when he announced he had to go grab a nap. To add too boot, it was decided on his behalf, (I think that is where I go wrong, I assume to early), that we should "call it a day, remain close friends and try to pick it up when I come over"...
Some of that sentence sounds vaguely familiar.. Now I am getting worried. But he proceeds just to log off on me and I'm assuming goes to bed. To which I have heard nothing all day. *shrug*

So onto good news.. I had an appointment at the hospital today, with the consultant. Apparently I am a "prime" candidate for surgery to my stomach. First though, I have to see a psychiatrist, to get some sort of assessment. Then I have to wait too see if I am going to have too pay towards the cost. But I am excited nevertheless.. it has been something I have been waiting on in forever. Though it has put a stop to other plans I wanted to carry out this year. For instance, I won't be able to fly for months after the op.. and I wanted to start driving again.. but I will sacrifice these if I get the go ahead!

So that is the update as things stand currently. I think I am going to curl up in bed with a hot chocolate and a book.. don't feel very much like doing anything else but sleep at the moment.

Take care out there.. the world bites!

Is it me?

Hello again.

I found myself asking this question out loud today, just to myself.. no-one in particular was around me.

I'm wondering if it really is impossible to find a guy that loves me solely for me. I mean the total unconditional love. I sat thinking exactly what it is I want in a guy. He doesn't have to be rich. He doesn't have too be "model" gorgeous. He just has to love me with all my faults, dote on me like I am his everything. I think that this is to much too ask though.

All through life all we ever want is to be happy. If another person in our lives can be as happy as us and help us to achieve that, then it can go so well. But, in saying that, they should never make you feel that you have to change any aspect of yourself to fit into their ideal. I learned this lesson a while ago. It is a shame that it is not common knowledge for everyone.

I know that I am by far, an easy person to get along with. I do have "issues" and extra baggage, that travels with me. But gain my trust, treat me right and I am the nicest person you could probably meet. (Hope that I am not being to biased here.) I am "suffering" at the moment with extra hormones, so things are probably getting a bit tough on the understanding. But if my guy understood me or even tried to sympathise with me, then I think it wouldn't be so bad. Instead, he chooses to be argumentative. (Or this is how it seems.)

I had a day when I just wanted to be quiet. No particular reason other than I was just tired and wanted to "chill out" a bit. I wasn't very talkative, but I didn't want to seclude myself away. Added to the fact that the hormones were kicking in for that "time of month", so anything said the wrong way was going to be misunderstood. I got the "what's wrong, what have I done" questions for an age. But the answer I was giving was not enough too stop an argument on the basis that I wasn't communicating. I ended up in tears, with a fierce headache and just wanting a large black hole to swallow me up. I had no sleep and was due to be awake in the next hour when he decided that we should "stop fighting" *sigh*

I feel now that I have to try and be on my "best behaviour". I find myself asking that question at the title nearly constantly.. I seem to be going out of my way not to tread on a wrong path.. But I wish someone would tell me if it is really me? Do I expect to much in a guy? Do I need therapy? (which was something I was told in the heat of the moment) Is it to much too want someone to love me, with all my faults, and yet be my everything? Maybe I would be better off single.