A letter from the heart.

So after a long while, I finally spoke to you again last night. I spent the rest of the small hours of the morning in tears. It is amazing, how a simple hello can make such a big impact. I have been "happy" in my little "world", though my thoughts are tearing me to pieces at times.

I want to tell you what is "new" with me. I want too be able to laugh and joke with you. But it can never be the way that you want it too be. I have never had a connection with someone, as strong as I seem to have with you. It frightens me, fills me with wonder, and leaves me confused. How can someone reduce someone to tears, just by a simple hello?

I did'nt sleep at all last night. Lay awake the whole night, what was left of it, staring at the ceiling. Kept asking myself why, what happens next, and how is this still affecting me after all this time.

You said you still care for me, that's why you want to know what's going on with me. I don't know when the time will be "right" to have any kind of friendship. I still long to hear your voice, see you, just share time with you. Yes, even after all this time has passed. It confuses me also. You said "I'm not all that". To me you were and still are.. And no-one has managed to meet the mark.

So another year is nearly finished. Another "anniversary" of the time that you called it "quits". But yet it still feels like yesterday. The pain is still as "raw" as it was that day. I don't often wish that I could turn back time. But this is one such instance. I wish I could of seen how things would have been, given a different ending.

So this is a letter to you. Something that I need to get off my chest. I still think of you. I still feel you here, (places hand). I am still pining away after you. I am still very afraid of what I feel.

Wow seems this year went fast.

Well it's November. Another year nearly finished. Was I asleep for most of it? Just seem's to have gone by really fast. I been divorced now for 7 months. My decree absolute came through last week, finally. So what does a divorced mother do.. Decorates!
LOL
That is what I have spent my months doing. I now have a living room to relax in, my children have a playroom.. albeit a bit messy, but it's tangabile. They have their rooms sorted, I still have to "fix" little missy's room though.. she had a fight with the waldrobe and threw everything on the floor! She still has an obsession with pink.. which is cute.. but annoying to find decorative stuff in. Me however, am still fighting to get my own bedroom sorted.. funds kinda run out half way through! But I am still smiling through it all.

Kids dad has been somewhat of an annoyance. He keeps making half hearted attempts at being the kids dad. *Shrugs* Guess he will get the hang of it..one day. I am actually feeling good about the changes in my life. It has taken me longer than I thought it would, though, to "get back" on my feet.

I am not talking about the emotional side of things. I was told that you are supposed to grieve after a divorce, thing is, I don't know what I am suppose to grieve for! I feel relief. The back on my feet bit comes from finacial side of things. Even though he didn't put his hand in his pocket, I seemed to have survived better with him here. It took a while, but I am finally ironing out the creases though!

Day to day, well I returned to my studies. I am exhausted! Definatly never enough hours in the day for anything good! With the kids at school though it is nice to have 5 minutes too sit down for myself.

Anyway I think that will have to be a mini update for now. I'm falling asleep as I type.. never a good sign! I have to "escort" my son's school tommorow.. I promised to go with his class too a trip they have planned.. I still have the lunches to pack!

I bid you all adieu for now.. till next time <3