Just another thought...

It's the things that make you go mmmm..

Kisa was a gift to me <3 Thank you for the memories..

Monday, November 24, 2014

I wish they didn't.
I wish they stayed.

What is wrong with me? Why can I not have that elusive happy ending. I thought I did,  I really, really thought I did. I was a plaything, again.. :( 

Monday, November 10, 2014

Is that the way it goes?

In my little world, I can say thing's have always seemed to me too be difficult.
I remember from a small age my parents shouting and arguing, while my brother and I sat at the top of the stairs trying our best to listen. I have vague memories of my mother taking us to my grandmothers one night..having to squash into a single bed, then to wake up the next day and she wasn't there. Or the prison visit we made to go see my dad. All strange things for a young girl to remember.

As time goes on, things you do in life are supposed to be changes. Learn from mistakes, difficult situations, improve what you don't like. I'm not proud.
I, like alot of people before me have made many a mistake. I just feel that I never seem to learn. Seems I continually make the same ones.

When I was a young girl, must have been six or seven as I was living with my dad, I had a crush on a guy from my school. I still remember his name, and he was a bit older than me. Bring on all the fantasies of princes and princesses, fair tale romances, the works. Told my dad he was the one I was going to marry. lol Needless to say, I grew up and moved on. Played kiss chase at school when I was about eleven, but any real ideas of having boyfriends went out the window.

Fast forward time. I'm sixteen, got major rubbish going on in my background, meet a guy who seems to like my company. Tries his best to get my attention, and succeeds eventually. Fast forward again, I'm now 18 and a single parent. I decide that it's just me and my son.

I try to get my life in order, I finish my school, and though there were guys interested in me, I worked hard for my son and my degree. I decided a long while that it will take a special kind of guy to win me over.

Seems though, I kiss princes, but they go and turn into frogs. Or as in the case of one guy, it was never anything real to start with, it could never have been, we both knew this. 

Then, just over four years ago, I finally thought I could feel it again.  That sudden butterflies feeling you get deep down inside, when you think about them it makes you smile for no reason but what you feel. After being let down again, I thought that this was finally going to be me.. I didn't want to admit it but I was in love. He got cold feet, felt his parents would disapprove and finished it before anything really started. But he decided that he wanted to be with me and tried too win me back. We got back together a couple of weeks after.  But the damage was already done to me I think, I always had in the back of my mind that he would leave again. I hate it when I am right.
Now I sit here typing this nearly 5 months after he dumped me (again). He doesn't talk to me, he doesn't acknowledge me, and my heart is in a million pieces. The stupid thing is, I am waiting for him. Breaking my heart a little every day.. but I am hoping that he will come back. I talk to another guy and I feel as though I am cheating on him.
People tell me it gets better in time, you will forget just move on.. all the old clich├ęs of there's other fish in the sea stuff.. I don't want other fish.. I already went fishing for what I wanted..
Does the pain ever end? 

Sunday, November 09, 2014

How long?

It has been an age since you said what you did.
It feels like an eternity.
I have started sending your things back, it has not been an easy feat but it is a quest I will complete.
I don't cry daily, but the pain is still very raw. You still don't acknowledge me, only when your mother tells you that it is polite to say thank you.
Every day I say good morning. Every day I say good night. I am still lost. Every worry I told you of, everything I said I hope wouldn't happen, it did.
You was wrong, I did fall for you. I remember lying in your arms that last time, I saw something in your eyes, and I wanted to say "don't hurt me" I wish I had.
I wish I knew how I can stop the hurt, I wish I knew why I let people hurt me.
Most people are in for second chances, to at least say "right I know what I did wrong there, lets try it this way".  You are not even willing to try. You just cut me out like I have never existed.  Even Prince Harry reunited with a girl that he dumped.
I have had several people tell me that your heart wasn't really in it in the first place. You just wanted to come to London and not have to pay hotel fees. I feel used when they say things like that. I just want to hold you.
I don't know what I have done. I am not getting closure by you ignoring me, it is messing with my head. I read somewhere that just by cutting someone off it can actually mess with their mind. I agree, I have so many thoughts going on in my head I am surprising myself that I haven't had some kind of breakdown.
So you don't love me any more, or whatever your reason is, but I am a human being like you, can you not at least explain. Just saying "I am sorry for hurting you" is not an explanation. That is a statement for you to feel better, for you to not have guilt in ending things.
I don't know what I am going to do with the love I still have. The memories, the times I remember. All of this hurts so very much.
I wish I knew what to do now. 

Friday, October 17, 2014

Time to let go?

Its been over three months.
He should have returned here a while back. I am still heart broken, I still cry daily. I hate myself for it. I have prevented myself from even trying to contact him. And boy is that as difficult as anything. I got some boxes to pack his stuff away, I am still having trouble doing that though. Every day I live in hope that he has at least said hello. He sent a simple mail, saying that he is sorry that he hurt me. I thought that might open up the way for him to talk to me again. It didn't, I guess it was just his way of trying to ease his own guilt for ending it. Again I feel stupid even hoping.

I try and do the everyday things, try to put him at the back of my mind. It is difficult walking around, seeing couples together, seeing places we have been. Having years of memories. And really not knowing what to do next. I have lost trust in everyone and everything at this time. I don't think I will ever have the heart to give away again.

Tuesday, September 09, 2014

A letter to you..


I have made a conscience effort not to contact you in over a week. My god that has been hard. I have sat and watched your dot and been so tempted to say "hello, want to do something..?" but I have to move away just so I don't. I have tried endless times to talk too you, and you know this. I have sent you little hellos and everything and you still choose to ignore me, cut me out like I never existed. I am not sure why you have chosen that, but I can tell you that hurts more than anything you could possibly have done.
So I leave the "ball" in your court. As hard as that is, I have to wait and see if you will "throw me a line" In the meantime I just get on with the daily stuffs.. I keep myself busy as possible.
I am looking at the possibility of moving to be closer to my mother..nothing holding me here anymore, well that isn't entirely true, the children are settled in schools.  Anyway it's just a thought at the moment.

I sit and wonder what you are doing. And how your day is going. I look at the time and try to work out what you would be doing. For instance.. around 10-10:30 am. ."Gresit will be getting up about now.. go get foods..."  It is a horrible existence trying to imagine what you are doing.

I wish you would explain what happened, why you deemed me unlovable. Did I do something so wrong? I need to know! If you can't face telling me then at least give me the courtesy in a mail or something. Even if you just tell me that you never want to see me again.. at least tell me!
*Edit* I found one of your many little "cards" today. You remember? The ones with all the little messages that you left around the house. It said "You are my everything". You have no idea what that has done to me as I am trying to get ready for work. I feel like a wreck :(  

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Everyone is telling me to let go...

I really wish it was that easy as the words imply. He hasn't really spoken to me properly since this all began in June/July. I have tried to make contact, but no matter what I try, I am getting seriously ignored. Now I am beginning to think that Americans are rude. Or maybe it is just some states.
I do not know if this is one of his anxiety attacks, or if his depression has hit a new high and he just don't think he deserves me. Or even think I don't deserve him! Whatever way and whatever his reason I wish he would just talk to me. He has basically cut me off out of his life.. deleted me from all his friends lists and now just acts like I don't exist.  He told a mutual friend that "it didn't work out". It takes two to make things work doesn't it? I was not aware that we had any issues that needed working out.
Part of me is screaming to let go.. the other part is hurt and confused. We had four years together, it is like he waited for the four year mark then decided that enough is enough.. He was supposed to come here.. was supposed to be in a proper relationship. The day before he left I was lying in his arms, he was making me promises and calming me down telling me it won't be long till hes back again. I want so badly to know what happened.
I got a big box today. It has the intention of packing away the numerous things that remind me of him. The thing is.. I can't do it. I picked up one of the many bears he has gotten me over time.. and just broke down as I remembered how and where we got that one from.
A friend suggested I ask him outright if he has any intention of getting back with me. I think I already know that answer as I remember him saying something along the lines of "it hurts me to know I wont be able to settle with the woman I love"..
How am I supposed to carry on? How am I supposed to let go when everywhere I go I see him? I walk past the local museum and I see him standing waving an England flag in front of one of the statues. I go to the park with the kids, he is messing about with them on a see saw.. its hard to explain to a child why you suddenly burst into tears.
The pain is very raw.. very very real and I am surprised that I am still functioning on any kind of level.
Do I not deserve my happy ever after? Doesn't seem like I do, I never seem to get my happy ending.
How can I let go? I love him and really found that out when he was last here.
I never have questioned if there is a God in heaven until now.. I always believed there was but now I am not so sure. 

Friday, July 25, 2014

So now what..

It's 1 am on a Thursday night.
I have work in the morning. But this past week has finally caught up with me. The not sleeping, has left me totally exhausted to the point that I am now past tired. I have tried to talk to the American Half (Or Ex half..) and he isn't responding. I really would like to know what has happened, but it seems I am not going to get the answers that I wish to have. I was just getting to the point of "relaxing".. So I have a job that I hate, I can't change that at the moment, but hey at least I got a guy that thinks the world of me.. right? Well don't I feel silly. How can someone get dumped and don't know what for? And to be worse he wont even talk to me now. I have tried being polite. Have not begged, sent little texts, given him space as he asked, but now it seems he isn't coming back. And I am still asking the question why?
So here I sit in one of his T-Shirts watching his green dot on Skype and wishing he would just say hello. Not even say it but even type it would make me happy right now.. at least he would be thinking of me.

I really want to shout.. at what I don't know. Just need to burn whatever the feeling is that is in my chest.

I really need to give up I think.