Just another thought...

It's the things that make you go mmmm..

Kisa was a gift to me <3 Thank you for the memories..

Thursday, May 21, 2015

And so to the end..

I think I finally realised today that it has come to an end. I was holding on, waiting, in the hope that he would realise that he had made a wrong judgement. I guess he hasn't.

He's got a girl, though I am a bit skecptical if he is happy with her or not. Guess none of that matters.
I am still in pain after all this time. I am still confused. If he had married me, I would have relocated anywhere in the world with him, but he never tested my loyalty at all.  I wake up hoping each day is different, that I don't have to cry the tears that come. My brave "front" only lasts for so long. How come I keep getting it so very wrong? How come I don't understand?

Saturday, March 07, 2015


No particular order....:















Friday, March 06, 2015

Things... Feelings?

When someone says he loves you,
It is supposed to be like air.
When someone says he loves you
It is supposed to show he cares.

But when he then says he loves you,
and turns and walks away,
did he only mean he loved you,
on that particular day?

Was it just a fantasy
that made him want to stay
or was it just his words he said
that swept everything away?

Try as I might I don't understand
how things can change so fast
especially when the words were said,
words are meant to last.

They got carried on the breeze it seems
to a very far away place
and along with them words are memories
that now must be erased.

The pain it comes and goes in waves
the tears I cry are real
but the feelings that I have inside
I just cannot stop and heal.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

I wish I knew.

I am sitting here at work.  I have to much on my mind to really concentrate on the pile of paperwork in front of me. It has been several months now since Mr America called time. I am sitting here reflecting. I have several "suitors" that have made their interests known,  but as always I am not interested in them.  I just want him.  Looking back over our relationship,  it seems he didn't want me though. He was a gentleman please don't get me wrong,  but everything seemed somewhat shallow. I guess I should have seen it.  Separate beds.. telling me that he can't marry me. . Barely any physical contact.. yet everything else he did.. but there was no emotional connection.  Why do I get into these situations. . I am in love with someone who clearly doesn't feel the same. I still think that I am never going to get this right.  Every one I have fallen for. . Never turns out to be my happy ending.  "Sigh" just for once I want my happiness. . Just for once I want to know. .

Tuesday, December 23, 2014


My boss must have got hit on the head today, as he has let me go early for Christmas break. I will be busy the next couple of days though preparing for the holidays.
I sat yesterday, remembering a major memory that came to mind. It was that day last year that I was eagerly anticipating the arrival of my then boyfriend and all his family. I was excited, but he had asked me to meet him and his family at the hotel. I arrived early, the hospitality of the hotel was nice, they allowed me endless cups of tea! I was a bit surprised that all his family were coming over for a couple of weeks. To be honest I thought that I would get a surprise announcement for a Christmas gift. that would have made my year perfect. I didn't. The surprise announcement of a different kind would be when he returned home. Here I sit a year later, heart hurting like hell. He talks to me now, made it clear that he has NO intentions of being with me.. I even know that though, he has said he does not want to date, that's not entirely true.
I sent him most of his things back. I have the odd thing packed up and ready to go back to him. I held off sending the rest as the Christmas post would just delay it further.

I am not sure of anything any more. I am not sure of my own feelings, and I don't feel that I can trust anyone. I went out with some friends a couple of weeks ago, a guy took a shine to me.  I spent the rest of the evening talking about my "wonderful" ex. Needless to say that didn't go down to well. I can't help it. My heart is full of love still and I really do not know what to do.  If he asked me to run away with him, even after everything that he has done to me up to this point, I would not hesitate. 
Every passing day the pain is there. I write this blog, have also started a book entitled our story but they don't look like they will have the happy ending. My prince didn't choose the path that led to me, he chose the one that led away. Seems to be the story of my life. 

Monday, November 24, 2014

I wish they didn't.
I wish they stayed.

What is wrong with me? Why can I not have that elusive happy ending. I thought I did,  I really, really thought I did. I was a plaything, again.. :( 

Monday, November 10, 2014

Is that the way it goes?

In my little world, I can say thing's have always seemed to me too be difficult.
I remember from a small age my parents shouting and arguing, while my brother and I sat at the top of the stairs trying our best to listen. I have vague memories of my mother taking us to my grandmothers one night..having to squash into a single bed, then to wake up the next day and she wasn't there. Or the prison visit we made to go see my dad. All strange things for a young girl to remember.

As time goes on, things you do in life are supposed to be changes. Learn from mistakes, difficult situations, improve what you don't like. I'm not proud.
I, like alot of people before me have made many a mistake. I just feel that I never seem to learn. Seems I continually make the same ones.

When I was a young girl, must have been six or seven as I was living with my dad, I had a crush on a guy from my school. I still remember his name, and he was a bit older than me. Bring on all the fantasies of princes and princesses, fair tale romances, the works. Told my dad he was the one I was going to marry. lol Needless to say, I grew up and moved on. Played kiss chase at school when I was about eleven, but any real ideas of having boyfriends went out the window.

Fast forward time. I'm sixteen, got major rubbish going on in my background, meet a guy who seems to like my company. Tries his best to get my attention, and succeeds eventually. Fast forward again, I'm now 18 and a single parent. I decide that it's just me and my son.

I try to get my life in order, I finish my school, and though there were guys interested in me, I worked hard for my son and my degree. I decided a long while that it will take a special kind of guy to win me over.

Seems though, I kiss princes, but they go and turn into frogs. Or as in the case of one guy, it was never anything real to start with, it could never have been, we both knew this. 

Then, just over four years ago, I finally thought I could feel it again.  That sudden butterflies feeling you get deep down inside, when you think about them it makes you smile for no reason but what you feel. After being let down again, I thought that this was finally going to be me.. I didn't want to admit it but I was in love. He got cold feet, felt his parents would disapprove and finished it before anything really started. But he decided that he wanted to be with me and tried too win me back. We got back together a couple of weeks after.  But the damage was already done to me I think, I always had in the back of my mind that he would leave again. I hate it when I am right.
Now I sit here typing this nearly 5 months after he dumped me (again). He doesn't talk to me, he doesn't acknowledge me, and my heart is in a million pieces. The stupid thing is, I am waiting for him. Breaking my heart a little every day.. but I am hoping that he will come back. I talk to another guy and I feel as though I am cheating on him.
People tell me it gets better in time, you will forget just move on.. all the old clich├ęs of there's other fish in the sea stuff.. I don't want other fish.. I already went fishing for what I wanted..
Does the pain ever end?