Just another thought...

It's the things that make you go mmmm..

Kisa was a gift to me <3 Thank you for the memories..

Friday, April 15, 2016

Guess whose back..

So I missed a month. Yeah about that.. busy busy!!

I am really enjoying things at the moment. I am so glad I changed my job, I actually look forward to going into work. What a difference it has made, the knock on effect to everything else in my life at the moment is huge! I get to enjoy sunny days and adventures and trips and stuff!!

I had a ego boost the other day, while just minding my own business. I guess that lifts moods up as well!

So update.. hmm.. holiday booked.. nights out coming up.. trip to see both my brother and mother up north in the pipeline.. still pottering about.. still writing a book!

Installed a new Fridge (had to switch the doors around), Dishwasher, Washing Machine, Tumble Dryer. The only thing I personally could not put in was the new Cooker. Sense of achievement level high! lol

Anyway been a long day.. got washing to load.. and foods to make for tomorrow!

Night for now! xx

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Mad Cat Lady to be...

It's funny how time moves on.
How quickly someone can forget.
The touch, the smell, the sound, even the way that a person eats. How memories fade, being placed into a dusty filing cabinet in the back of our minds somewhere.

Time moves on. My mother of all people was right when she said this to me a few months back. I never listened to her in all my childhood days. She really does have some wisdom. She was wrong about one thing though. I guess it is because she doesn't know me inside as well as what she thinks. She was wrong about the forget part.
"Time moves on and you will forget".

Unfortunately, I have a very good memory. I only forget when I am forgiving. This time the pain I feel is not something I can not forget. In fact, it encroaches on my everyday life more than I care for it to. I haven't forgotten anything, I doubt I will.

I'm living a different life. Have moved on from where I was. Have grieved over the losses, have made new beginnings, friendships and places. But the pain that lies within me is a burden I feel I will carry to my grave.

That thing called love has broken me for the last time.

"Third time lucky?" No third time was a fail. One that I will not even try to recover from. I have been burnt oh to well, and do not wish to have my life turned upside down again, for anyone. My children, (who were also affected by the sudden vanishing act) have put on a brave face and tried to be strong for my benefit. I know that they were just as upset by everything as was I. I will not allow that to happen too them again. I made a promise when they were small, I was not going to be a mummy too have this man and that man in and out of their lives. I have repeated that promise now they are older and they are more aware of their surroundings.  The eldest have said they understand, and if I was to find another guy who was good for me then they are all to happy for me.

I guess I am to become the mad cat lady after all. When my children have grown, have families of their own, (as it is starting as I write), in maybe 10 years time, I will go on the cruise I long for, come back, and get a bungalow by the sea somewhere. Maybe open a animal sanctuary. Become the lady that no one knows, but yet they know that I look after the animals.

Who knows, maybe I will look back on this post. Smile perhaps, shed a tear as I have done this evening reading some of my other posts. But above all else.. I know I won't forget the feelings. 

Tuesday, January 05, 2016

Jan 2016

You probably don't know.. you probably don't care..you have moved on..and I'm not there. Not sure even if you think of me, not sure if you even dare.. but I still say good night and wish you good morning and good day in whatever is going your way.

Sometimes I wander around in a daze, wondering what would be happening at that moment. *shrugs*
Tears still come, sometimes while I sleep, I wake up and its horrid.
Don't know why I continue to do this too myself. 

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

And so here it is. .Merry Christmas...

It is Dec 22. Another year about to end. It is currently 11:16pm my time. I am sitting reflecting on the year. I want it to be over. I want the memories in my head to disappear. I hate Christmas time even more. I have more reasons to be sad at this time of year. I hope that next year I can finally shut the chapter of my life. That chapter has moved on, why the hell can't I? I knew this was never going to be easy for me. I don't trust someone like that. Serves me right, I shouldn't believe in "happy ever after" No such thing as fairy tales. Rainbows and Butterflies only exist in the books and films, why should they be in real life?
So I sit here. Everyday I say good morning, and good night. I don't think you do, I don't think you even care any more. I am completely lost, but I don't blame you. It's my own fault again, for thinking and trusting and letting myself believe.
New year, no tears (I hope) Onwards and upwards...
Here's to the future, 'cause I am hoping I have done with the past... 

Monday, November 30, 2015

Just because...

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Another poem..

I miss you more than words can say,
I still wonder why you went away.
People grow, and change together,
This is what makes the relationship better.
But you chose to leave and start again,
And now we are not even friends.

You walked away so easily,
You was already wanting to be free of me.
I didn't see the change, until it was to late
Otherwise I would have asked you to wait.

You never will understand,
You touched my heart, not just my hand.
I'm not finding this as easy as you,
You really did take me for a fool.

My love has yet to die a death
In my heart I feel bereft.
I feel like I wasted time,
In a love I really thought was mine.

Monday, November 09, 2015

Trying to sleep when the brain wont let you!

I was going to message you today. I am not sure why, I just wanted to. I wanted too tell you everything that has been going on. I miss everything.. our chats.. the silences.. the smiles.. cute pictures.. everything.
I chatted to a mutual friend of ours who I haven't spoken to in forever.  Karma kicked him up the backside, poor soul, he was feeling it as a girl he liked had broken up with him. I guess talking to him I realise that every thing I am feeling is still somewhat normal. That is a relief I guess. I am still waiting on "it gets better over time".. It still feels like yesterday. =(

Anyway my brain is racing away and won't let me sleep. Theres only so much netflix/amazon prime I can watch and I have work in the morning! Mr Robot has been my binge of late.. but I finished it! I could go for a run, but its raining, and I don't fancy getting all muddy right now. I don't want to read, though I can as I have the book on my phone.. hmmm that's an idea I will give that a try!

So its good nights again!

Looks after you.. xx