Just another thought...

It's the things that make you go mmmm..

Kisa was a gift to me <3 Thank you for the memories..

Friday, July 25, 2014

So now what..

It's 1 am on a Thursday night.
I have work in the morning. But this past week has finally caught up with me. The not sleeping, has left me totally exhausted to the point that I am now past tired. I have tried to talk to the American Half (Or Ex half..) and he isn't responding. I really would like to know what has happened, but it seems I am not going to get the answers that I wish to have. I was just getting to the point of "relaxing".. So I have a job that I hate, I can't change that at the moment, but hey at least I got a guy that thinks the world of me.. right? Well don't I feel silly. How can someone get dumped and don't know what for? And to be worse he wont even talk to me now. I have tried being polite. Have not begged, sent little texts, given him space as he asked, but now it seems he isn't coming back. And I am still asking the question why?
So here I sit in one of his T-Shirts watching his green dot on Skype and wishing he would just say hello. Not even say it but even type it would make me happy right now.. at least he would be thinking of me.

I really want to shout.. at what I don't know. Just need to burn whatever the feeling is that is in my chest.

I really need to give up I think. 

Monday, July 14, 2014

And again..

I need to mark today. I need to mark the inevitable (20:38pm) I got told that "I don't think we should be romantically linked at the moment, lets just stay friends" I knew it was coming.. I felt it.. things haven't been good for a long time.. not even while he was here.. it was a forced effort to do anything. Now I don't know what I feel.. I mean..I had the angry.. sad and guilty.. but now.. I am not even numb. Confused nope.. fed up more like. But now I feel like I probably can sort out my own head. I dunno... (19th July)

Sunday, July 13, 2014

I was going to close this blog and not bother posting here anymore.
But after I sat here and poised over the delete button I decided that, that is probably not what I am ready or wanting to do.
This blog has been like an angst page for me. My somewhat happy times and mostly depressing times are noted here. Some memories that have been made, and remembered written down for time indefinite. I then decided that maybe it's a good thing to have. Give the kids something to look at when maybe I'm not here anymore. I wish I had my Nan's diary or scrapbook or something that she had written her thoughts on.

So its the middle of 2014. I am still in the job I hate with a passion. Though after two other "admin" walking out the boss seems to be somewhat tolerable. I have applied to another job, have to wait till the end of the month though to see if that comes to fruition. I hope it does, will mean less hours and maybe more time to sort my own life out. On that, I started driving lessons again.. it has been 15 years since I last drove a car. I took my first one last week, and the instructor thinks that I could have a full licence by Christmas.. at £50 a pop I should hope so!! I haven't told anyone close to me.. only the boyfriend, I wasn't surprised at his lack of encouragement though. I wish I could get someone to give him a kick up the backside at times..I really don't see how this is going to "pan" out to be honest. Time will tell. (Wish it would hurry the hell on)

Blahg I am going to bed.. I just got out the bath and thought I could do this.. but sitting here and typing this is making me angry.

Good night and look after you! 

Thursday, June 19, 2014

And on and on..

I lost my grandmother in May. She died on the 6th, just a week before my birthday. I was very close to her, though having my own big family meant I couldn't go visit her as much as I would have liked to. She lived to far from me and I am not a legal driver. No excuse I know, but we did keep in contact by telephone, I am going to miss her crazy wisdom. She was my last grandparent. I suddenly felt very alone when I had learned that she had died.
I hope that I will be a good grand parent to my grand children. I have one at the moment and I try to make life as much fun for her as I can, along side my own children.
I am not sure why but loosing my Nan has made me have a good long think about where I am going in life. I am currently in a very strange relationship. They say karma is a b*tch I guess I got bitten! My boyfriend prefers to talk about computer parts, latest tech news or any other thing other than reality. Once upon a time I would have been all enthusiastic, but lately I want support, understanding and just "normality". Yeah I would have had that if I hadn't of acted all dumb and selfish. so currently I am sitting looking at my phone like crazy waiting for a text to at least say "hello".. after not speaking to the boyfriend properly for at least two weeks as the "move" is picking up pace with them all finally going over to California next week. I am not really sure why I do what I do to myself have the time..

Monday, May 05, 2014

Why can't time stand still?

The boy friend has gone home, I had a wisdom tooth pulled out a week before he went, also I found out the day he was packing that my only grand parent had a stroke and was in hospital.

That was April 21st.

He went home on the 22nd.

Today is another bank holiday, and I find out that my grand mother has only 24 - 48 hours left to live. And again, the boyfriend is nowhere to be seen, deciding instead that shopping is more important. I guess he cannot handle situations of support very well. I nearly went to the hospital to have my tooth pulled out on my own, after he over slept. He only woke up as I was about to leave because he heard me moving around.

I ask myself this question a bit, "Am I doing the right thing, or am I putting myself into another situation that will turn out to be a disaster?"
I hope that time will tell the honesty on that one, I have never been good at making the right decisions for myself, yet when I come to help others, I am a wiz... what the hell is wrong with me?

So here I sit, waiting for my big brother to descend on my house and soon likely my mother will arrive. Do I go to work tomorrow, I don't even know. I don't have anyone to ask, and I sure as hell would like to know what I am supposed to do. I can't even cry..

He's getting ready to come back over in August. But first he is going to Florida, and Disney world, as a treat for his younger sister. I want to get away from it all.. I have really had enough at this moment in time. Trying to book a holiday to take my brood on their first one abroad.. nowhere special.. only to Spain.. but its a logistic nightmare.

Anyway I'm going to sound off.. supposed to be cooking dinner and sorting sleeping arrangements.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

That time of year again.

It's been a while since I wrote anything here. Things in my life have gotten to the point of being totally hectic. I work constantly, and it seems I have no time for anything anymore. I have my thoughts, but like most peoples, they are in my head, and I have only either to forget them or think endlessly on them. I finally seem to be a "normal" person in that respect.



The boyfriend flies over again next week. I should be happy, excited, full of gladness. But, something is missing, and after all this time I still don't know what that is.

My children are mini adults now, well most of them. The two oldest boys have gotten themselves into work, making them "presentable" future adults and making up the workforce. Doesn't seem to long ago that they were in school worrying about the impending doom of the exams, like son number 3.

Turning cold here again, time to find the winter woollies. And time goes on...

Thursday, October 31, 2013

I guess I expect to much..

Been a busy time here in my household. The eldest and wife have finally moved out.. I have taken on the task of trying to organize the remains of the house into living quarters for all. In between going to work and sorting out all the other stuff I seem to have too deal with, there hasn't been alot of me time.

Which brings me onto a point, the BF is studying hard at the moment, and so we are not spending as much time together as maybe we should..so this evening I was all looking forward to his return, thinking that we would at least do something together.. but to ease his stress he goes off.. alone.. to do his own thing. Now he isn't grand at multi tasking either so trying to talk too him is somewhat impossible..

Leaves me to think that 1) I must be selfish 2) somewhere I must have gotten spoilt to expect too be able to spend time with someone that I am supposed to be in a relationship with.

I am never going to get this down am I?