In my little world, I can say thing's have always seemed to me too be difficult.
I remember from a small age my parents shouting and arguing, while my brother and I sat at the top of the stairs trying our best to listen. I have vague memories of my mother taking us to my grandmothers one night..having to squash into a single bed, then to wake up the next day and she wasn't there. Or the prison visit we made to go see my dad. All strange things for a young girl to remember.
As time goes on, things you do in life are supposed to be changes. Learn from mistakes, difficult situations, improve what you don't like. I'm not proud.
I, like alot of people before me have made many a mistake. I just feel that I never seem to learn. Seems I continually make the same ones.
When I was a young girl, must have been six or seven as I was living with my dad, I had a crush on a guy from my school. I still remember his name, and he was a bit older than me. Bring on all the fantasies of princes and princesses, fair tale romances, the works. Told my dad he was the one I was going to marry. lol Needless to say, I grew up and moved on. Played kiss chase at school when I was about eleven, but any real ideas of having boyfriends went out the window.
Fast forward time. I'm sixteen, got major rubbish going on in my background, meet a guy who seems to like my company. Tries his best to get my attention, and succeeds eventually. Fast forward again, I'm now 18 and a single parent. I decide that it's just me and my son.
I try to get my life in order, I finish my school, and though there were guys interested in me, I worked hard for my son and my degree. I decided a long while that it will take a special kind of guy to win me over.
Seems though, I kiss princes, but they go and turn into frogs. Or as in the case of one guy, it was never anything real to start with, it could never have been, we both knew this.
Then, just over four years ago, I finally thought I could feel it again. That sudden butterflies feeling you get deep down inside, when you think about them it makes you smile for no reason but what you feel. After being let down again, I thought that this was finally going to be me.. I didn't want to admit it but I was in love. He got cold feet, felt his parents would disapprove and finished it before anything really started. But he decided that he wanted to be with me and tried too win me back. We got back together a couple of weeks after. But the damage was already done to me I think, I always had in the back of my mind that he would leave again. I hate it when I am right.
Now I sit here typing this nearly 5 months after he dumped me (again). He doesn't talk to me, he doesn't acknowledge me, and my heart is in a million pieces. The stupid thing is, I am waiting for him. Breaking my heart a little every day.. but I am hoping that he will come back. I talk to another guy and I feel as though I am cheating on him.
People tell me it gets better in time, you will forget just move on.. all the old clichés of there's other fish in the sea stuff.. I don't want other fish.. I already went fishing for what I wanted..
Does the pain ever end?