Just another thought...

It's the things that make you go mmmm..

Kisa was a gift to me <3 Thank you for the memories..

Friday, October 17, 2014

Time to let go?

Its been over three months.
He should have returned here a while back. I am still heart broken, I still cry daily. I hate myself for it. I have prevented myself from even trying to contact him. And boy is that as difficult as anything. I got some boxes to pack his stuff away, I am still having trouble doing that though. Every day I live in hope that he has at least said hello. He sent a simple mail, saying that he is sorry that he hurt me. I thought that might open up the way for him to talk to me again. It didn't, I guess it was just his way of trying to ease his own guilt for ending it. Again I feel stupid even hoping.

I try and do the everyday things, try to put him at the back of my mind. It is difficult walking around, seeing couples together, seeing places we have been. Having years of memories. And really not knowing what to do next. I have lost trust in everyone and everything at this time. I don't think I will ever have the heart to give away again.

Tuesday, September 09, 2014

A letter to you..


I have made a conscience effort not to contact you in over a week. My god that has been hard. I have sat and watched your dot and been so tempted to say "hello, want to do something..?" but I have to move away just so I don't. I have tried endless times to talk too you, and you know this. I have sent you little hellos and everything and you still choose to ignore me, cut me out like I never existed. I am not sure why you have chosen that, but I can tell you that hurts more than anything you could possibly have done.
So I leave the "ball" in your court. As hard as that is, I have to wait and see if you will "throw me a line" In the meantime I just get on with the daily stuffs.. I keep myself busy as possible.
I am looking at the possibility of moving to be closer to my mother..nothing holding me here anymore, well that isn't entirely true, the children are settled in schools.  Anyway it's just a thought at the moment.

I sit and wonder what you are doing. And how your day is going. I look at the time and try to work out what you would be doing. For instance.. around 10-10:30 am. ."Gresit will be getting up about now.. go get foods..."  It is a horrible existence trying to imagine what you are doing.

I wish you would explain what happened, why you deemed me unlovable. Did I do something so wrong? I need to know! If you can't face telling me then at least give me the courtesy in a mail or something. Even if you just tell me that you never want to see me again.. at least tell me!
*Edit* I found one of your many little "cards" today. You remember? The ones with all the little messages that you left around the house. It said "You are my everything". You have no idea what that has done to me as I am trying to get ready for work. I feel like a wreck :(  

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Everyone is telling me to let go...

I really wish it was that easy as the words imply. He hasn't really spoken to me properly since this all began in June/July. I have tried to make contact, but no matter what I try, I am getting seriously ignored. Now I am beginning to think that Americans are rude. Or maybe it is just some states.
I do not know if this is one of his anxiety attacks, or if his depression has hit a new high and he just don't think he deserves me. Or even think I don't deserve him! Whatever way and whatever his reason I wish he would just talk to me. He has basically cut me off out of his life.. deleted me from all his friends lists and now just acts like I don't exist.  He told a mutual friend that "it didn't work out". It takes two to make things work doesn't it? I was not aware that we had any issues that needed working out.
Part of me is screaming to let go.. the other part is hurt and confused. We had four years together, it is like he waited for the four year mark then decided that enough is enough.. He was supposed to come here.. was supposed to be in a proper relationship. The day before he left I was lying in his arms, he was making me promises and calming me down telling me it won't be long till hes back again. I want so badly to know what happened.
I got a big box today. It has the intention of packing away the numerous things that remind me of him. The thing is.. I can't do it. I picked up one of the many bears he has gotten me over time.. and just broke down as I remembered how and where we got that one from.
A friend suggested I ask him outright if he has any intention of getting back with me. I think I already know that answer as I remember him saying something along the lines of "it hurts me to know I wont be able to settle with the woman I love"..
How am I supposed to carry on? How am I supposed to let go when everywhere I go I see him? I walk past the local museum and I see him standing waving an England flag in front of one of the statues. I go to the park with the kids, he is messing about with them on a see saw.. its hard to explain to a child why you suddenly burst into tears.
The pain is very raw.. very very real and I am surprised that I am still functioning on any kind of level.
Do I not deserve my happy ever after? Doesn't seem like I do, I never seem to get my happy ending.
How can I let go? I love him and really found that out when he was last here.
I never have questioned if there is a God in heaven until now.. I always believed there was but now I am not so sure. 

Friday, July 25, 2014

So now what..

It's 1 am on a Thursday night.
I have work in the morning. But this past week has finally caught up with me. The not sleeping, has left me totally exhausted to the point that I am now past tired. I have tried to talk to the American Half (Or Ex half..) and he isn't responding. I really would like to know what has happened, but it seems I am not going to get the answers that I wish to have. I was just getting to the point of "relaxing".. So I have a job that I hate, I can't change that at the moment, but hey at least I got a guy that thinks the world of me.. right? Well don't I feel silly. How can someone get dumped and don't know what for? And to be worse he wont even talk to me now. I have tried being polite. Have not begged, sent little texts, given him space as he asked, but now it seems he isn't coming back. And I am still asking the question why?
So here I sit in one of his T-Shirts watching his green dot on Skype and wishing he would just say hello. Not even say it but even type it would make me happy right now.. at least he would be thinking of me.

I really want to shout.. at what I don't know. Just need to burn whatever the feeling is that is in my chest.

I really need to give up I think. 

Monday, July 14, 2014

And again..

I need to mark today. I need to mark the inevitable (20:38pm) I got told that "I don't think we should be romantically linked at the moment, lets just stay friends" I knew it was coming.. I felt it.. things haven't been good for a long time.. not even while he was here.. it was a forced effort to do anything. Now I don't know what I feel.. I mean..I had the angry.. sad and guilty.. but now.. I am not even numb. Confused nope.. fed up more like. But now I feel like I probably can sort out my own head. I dunno... (19th July)

Sunday, July 13, 2014

I was going to close this blog and not bother posting here anymore.
But after I sat here and poised over the delete button I decided that, that is probably not what I am ready or wanting to do.
This blog has been like an angst page for me. My somewhat happy times and mostly depressing times are noted here. Some memories that have been made, and remembered written down for time indefinite. I then decided that maybe it's a good thing to have. Give the kids something to look at when maybe I'm not here anymore. I wish I had my Nan's diary or scrapbook or something that she had written her thoughts on.

So its the middle of 2014. I am still in the job I hate with a passion. Though after two other "admin" walking out the boss seems to be somewhat tolerable. I have applied to another job, have to wait till the end of the month though to see if that comes to fruition. I hope it does, will mean less hours and maybe more time to sort my own life out. On that, I started driving lessons again.. it has been 15 years since I last drove a car. I took my first one last week, and the instructor thinks that I could have a full licence by Christmas.. at £50 a pop I should hope so!! I haven't told anyone close to me.. only the boyfriend, I wasn't surprised at his lack of encouragement though. I wish I could get someone to give him a kick up the backside at times..I really don't see how this is going to "pan" out to be honest. Time will tell. (Wish it would hurry the hell on)

Blahg I am going to bed.. I just got out the bath and thought I could do this.. but sitting here and typing this is making me angry.

Good night and look after you! 

Thursday, June 19, 2014

And on and on..

I lost my grandmother in May. She died on the 6th, just a week before my birthday. I was very close to her, though having my own big family meant I couldn't go visit her as much as I would have liked to. She lived to far from me and I am not a legal driver. No excuse I know, but we did keep in contact by telephone, I am going to miss her crazy wisdom. She was my last grandparent. I suddenly felt very alone when I had learned that she had died.
I hope that I will be a good grand parent to my grand children. I have one at the moment and I try to make life as much fun for her as I can, along side my own children.
I am not sure why but loosing my Nan has made me have a good long think about where I am going in life. I am currently in a very strange relationship. They say karma is a b*tch I guess I got bitten! My boyfriend prefers to talk about computer parts, latest tech news or any other thing other than reality. Once upon a time I would have been all enthusiastic, but lately I want support, understanding and just "normality". Yeah I would have had that if I hadn't of acted all dumb and selfish. so currently I am sitting looking at my phone like crazy waiting for a text to at least say "hello".. after not speaking to the boyfriend properly for at least two weeks as the "move" is picking up pace with them all finally going over to California next week. I am not really sure why I do what I do to myself have the time..