Just another thought...

It's the things that make you go mmmm..

Kisa was a gift to me <3 Thank you for the memories..

Tuesday, January 05, 2016

Jan 2016

You probably don't know.. you probably don't care..you have moved on..and I'm not there. Not sure even if you think of me, not sure if you even dare.. but I still say good night and wish you good morning and good day in whatever is going your way.

Sometimes I wander around in a daze, wondering what would be happening at that moment. *shrugs*
Tears still come, sometimes while I sleep, I wake up and its horrid.
Don't know why I continue to do this too myself. 

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

And so here it is. .Merry Christmas...

It is Dec 22. Another year about to end. It is currently 11:16pm my time. I am sitting reflecting on the year. I want it to be over. I want the memories in my head to disappear. I hate Christmas time even more. I have more reasons to be sad at this time of year. I hope that next year I can finally shut the chapter of my life. That chapter has moved on, why the hell can't I? I knew this was never going to be easy for me. I don't trust someone like that. Serves me right, I shouldn't believe in "happy ever after" No such thing as fairy tales. Rainbows and Butterflies only exist in the books and films, why should they be in real life?
So I sit here. Everyday I say good morning, and good night. I don't think you do, I don't think you even care any more. I am completely lost, but I don't blame you. It's my own fault again, for thinking and trusting and letting myself believe.
New year, no tears (I hope) Onwards and upwards...
Here's to the future, 'cause I am hoping I have done with the past... 

Monday, November 30, 2015

Just because...




Thursday, November 12, 2015

Another poem..

I miss you more than words can say,
I still wonder why you went away.
People grow, and change together,
This is what makes the relationship better.
But you chose to leave and start again,
And now we are not even friends.

You walked away so easily,
You was already wanting to be free of me.
I didn't see the change, until it was to late
Otherwise I would have asked you to wait.

You never will understand,
You touched my heart, not just my hand.
I'm not finding this as easy as you,
You really did take me for a fool.

My love has yet to die a death
In my heart I feel bereft.
I feel like I wasted time,
In a love I really thought was mine.

Monday, November 09, 2015

Trying to sleep when the brain wont let you!

I was going to message you today. I am not sure why, I just wanted to. I wanted too tell you everything that has been going on. I miss everything.. our chats.. the silences.. the smiles.. cute pictures.. everything.
I chatted to a mutual friend of ours who I haven't spoken to in forever.  Karma kicked him up the backside, poor soul, he was feeling it as a girl he liked had broken up with him. I guess talking to him I realise that every thing I am feeling is still somewhat normal. That is a relief I guess. I am still waiting on "it gets better over time".. It still feels like yesterday. =(

Anyway my brain is racing away and won't let me sleep. Theres only so much netflix/amazon prime I can watch and I have work in the morning! Mr Robot has been my binge of late.. but I finished it! I could go for a run, but its raining, and I don't fancy getting all muddy right now. I don't want to read, though I can as I have the book on my phone.. hmmm that's an idea I will give that a try!

So its good nights again!

Looks after you.. xx

Sunday, November 08, 2015

Another year almost to the end.

This year..

I changed my job.. I lost love, a friend and more..I watched one of my sons turn into a young man.. I had my kitchen refitted.. I packed up to move house..I passed my driving test and got a car..I ran a race for charity (something I thought I would never be able to do again)..and I started to become a lot healthier after deciding to start losing weight.

Putting it down like that I guess I have got some achievements to be proud of.
This year has gone fast.
I wish that memories would go just as fast. I find myself smiling sometimes, like today. I went past a particular place, and had a "flashback" memory. I sat for a while with that memory and smiled to myself, While trying to hold back the tears.

I stood up and recalled my mother saying "life goes on" Yeah.. it does.. and so does pain.
I put up on my Facebook a quote "Everything happens for a reason" I truly believe this, but I asked the question: "What if you don't know what that reason is?"   My friends reply was that you may not know now but you will. Hmm some of the stuff I have gone through and seem to continue to go through, I still don't know why.

I learned a hard lesson well though. I am never going to believe that everything is going "fine" in my life. If I ever say the words "...I have a man who loves me..." I know I am kidding myself. Every-time.. every flaming time I think that or smile that.. sure enough I'm left. I am so just the girl to be there to fill someone's "space".. what about mine?

As mum would say.. Life goes on.. and so to beds. Goodnight! 

Thursday, October 15, 2015



I wish I knew why.  I just want that forever. I feel that it isn't for me.
Sorry if this is a emosh post. But taking stock of my life.