Just another thought...

It's the things that make you go mmmm..

Kisa was a gift to me <3 Thank you for the memories..I also had BooCat adopted for me..Thank you for everything

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Sometimes a smile or sometimes a tear.

I blame myself, I really do. I know I said something that hurt, but I was drunk and for the life of me I wish I knew what it was. I don't blame you for hating me. You tried so hard, and I guess I couldn't see it. Maybe I didn't want to, maybe I couldn't. I am broken. I was hoping that you were the glue to fix me.
It is true what they say, you only miss something when it is no longer there. I miss you..Big Time..
It has been a while, I am guessing you are happy in what your life has for your now. You must be, you don't want to be "friends".. maybe you can't, maybe you just hate me so much that you don't want to waste your time on me. *shrug*
It still hurts. I think sometimes on the things that we did, the promises we made. Sad to say but I still have the Haribo Sweet Ring that you gave me..and the message in the bottle that you left... Remember? Actually I guess you don't want to.
I don't know if you still look at what I'm up to. I know when we last messaged a while back you mentioned that you had seen me "chasing all my life goals". I have been keeping myself busy.. on purpose.. so I can forget...move on the way you have.

This year so far, feels like it is dragging. The previous years have flown by really fast. I am trying to see what my next "goal" is. Taking the younger two on holiday is my focus at the moment. Quin always wanted to go on a plane, so I am flying him to Barcelona just after my birthday.  Then I am going to arrange a family holiday away in the summer holidays.. but I am stuck about what to do in between.
I am getting more confident I think in my driving, I have done a couple of motorway runs,so I think that a few days trips down to the beach will be on the cards when the warmer weather comes this way.

I need a new phone.. my OnePlus that you recommended I get, is slowly dying on me. That and the comp that I am typing this on, seem to be the only things left too remind me.  You made me clear the hard drives, remember? I wish I knew what you were planning at that time.. took memories.. You hit the "delete" button while I was still trying to figure out where it was..

Being single isn't so bad. I concentrate on things I want to do. I been too a lot of social events, both in daily life and through work. Kinda interesting when you can pick and choose, and not worry about what your partner wants or thinks.

I find condolence, security and a measure of peace within the Bible again. I have removed myself from situations that may cause me to wander. I learned lessons that I don't want to have too relearn. I don't think I could maintain a "normal functioning brain" if I went down them paths again.

So I keep busy in reading, working, and living a daily life. Trying not to plan too far ahead., but remembering that tomorrow when I wake up that day is for living. I tell my kids daily that I love them, all of them. After all, it isn't their fault that they are on this Earth. And who knows what tomorrow brings?

For now.. I should switch off the light, the brain and the comp and hope to wake up tomorrow with a love for the new day.

Goodnight and may Jehovah bless your day xx

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Memories... Some never fade..



I wake up early.. a lot.. mostly when I wake I check the daily news, see whose dumped who on the daily book of faces.. then go and get tea!
On the "book of faces" there's a thing that pops up and it's a selection of memories that Facebook think you want to remember. I normally shift through them and smile as they are mostly to do with the kiddies.. A couple of times there have been ones that have made me reminisce.

It is funny as time goes on. I was promised the earth, moon and stars. I was told that no matter what, I would never be alone. Why do people make promises they cannot keep? I don't want to sound bitter, but we don't even talk any more. Even to this day I have no idea what and why. I was told I was not hated, but yet I do not even get a "hello" any more.

I have so many things I want to say too you. I have so many unanswered things I want to know. The tears don't come as often now, but sometimes they are there. I picture us sometimes, running after the bus.. getting lost in the Hedge Maze..I think of us doing things now.. as we can both drive maybe debating over who is going to drive to dinner. I often find myself wondering what you are doing. I wish this would pass..

The children have gotten older. I thought that this would be our time, smh I always make the wrong choices it seems and have a trust when I am told everything will be alright.

I have gone "back" to religion. I have decided that it is the only "safe" place to be. If this leaves me alone then so be it.. I have had three relationships in my life, and each has only enforced what I think I already know about men. I am hoping that my sons will never treat a girl the way I have been treated by men. I was hoping that "third time lucky" was going to be that.. little did I know he had other plans. I do miss him.. Que Sera, Sera.

Meanwhile I go on. I have to.. no one to sort out the problems I create for myself.. no one to look out for me.. but me. For now I am happy, just wish that the memories would stay in the dusty mind draw.

Tomorrow is another day.. Look after you! xx 

Monday, January 16, 2017

Blue Monday

Apparently today is supposed to be the most depressing Monday of the year. It's something to do with realising you have spent all your money for Christmas and not being able to keep too your New Years Resolutions (or something along those lines), Well I'm not blue!

Lets see here.. January 2017 and already I have booked a holiday for this year and its paid for... Already started packing as well.. though I do need to buy some new suitcases. I have spoken about the possibility of changing my working hours ever so slightly..seems I am doing to many late's as my little girl is missing me.. And it's only the second week into the new year!

I'm not to sure what too expect of this year.. I have no major plans of yet.. I'm playing with the idea that maybe I should look into buying a house for myself of sorts...but that is only an idea at this stage.. Maybe after I finished with the car...

So I have launched myself into this year.. New Start New Year sort of thing. I watched the fireworks of Big Ben like I do every year..said my toast to the world.. and kissed my teddy! lol Sad I know.. would be nice to have a companion, but I guess its not that important. One day my "Prince" will come.

For now I leave the new year to play out.. whatever will be will be!

Look after you!! xx

Sunday, December 18, 2016

I'm not scrooge.. but Christmas.. bah...

I have a lot of reasons to dislike Christmas... A LOT. To many too mention, but it seems that every year something else gets added and makes me dislike it even more.
A couple of them have made me smile and I have very fond memories of one in particular. But overall I have more dislike for this time of year then I care to mention.
So for this reason, I will be working and watching as everyone else "celebrates". I'll be watching the world pass by.

As of yet I haven't even started to make mince pies, which is a tradition in our family which I followed yearly for as long as I have been able to cook. Just seems no point to any of it now.

There are lots of things in life that loose the true meaning. Christmas is one of them. While growing up, it was filled with excitement. This was up until I was about seven years old. Then one Christmas, all the excitement, all the awe and all the innocence of that time of year, was taken away from me. After that the years end just rolled around. Gifts had very little meaning and became just brightly covered "thing things"

My gran dad died on Christmas day. This is one of the many reasons I don't like this time of year. I can bore you with the long list, but I don't want to make myself unhappy, 'cause strangely I have a deep sense of well being at the moment. I have a calmness and a sense of happiness which I haven't felt in a while.

I wont "be doing" Christmas this year, just like I haven't in a long time. I won't be wrapping six million packets, putting up a tree or even shiny decorations. Really is no point. I will have a Baileys on Christmas eve when I get home from work and enjoy the time off but that is all.

If you do then have a good one.,.if you don't them enjoy the time off and watching the world go by.

Above all else don't let this time of year get you down. xx 

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Was your birthday yesterday. Wanted to say hi.. happy birthday.. play a silly video or game and just chill. Still feels strange after all this time. I wondered what you were doing.. if you had any Jager bombs.. Smiled to myself as I thought about giving you a cupcake for one of your previous birthdays. Strange how it feels like time stands still.

I Hope you had a good one. Everything you would have wished for. *shrug*

And time moves on... 

Sunday, December 04, 2016

End of another year.

This year has gone in the flash of an eye.
I hope the next four and half years do that also lol, then my car will be totally mine!
Seriously this has been a very quick year for me. Seems to have been "my" year though. I finally came to terms with major changes that have happened within the past few years, death of my grandmother.. loss of someone I thought would travel through life with me.. One of my children finding his own way in the world and gaining his own place, job and not needing to rely on "mum" anymore. This year has had its ups and downs. But I am smiling on. I am looking forward to the new year, new challenges, new places, maybe new friends who knows whats in store for me?

I find that the more time I have on my hands the more I want to explore. A simple walk around my hometown uncovered a few things for me I didn't know.  Was refreshing to find out some local history from different perspectives.

Currently life seems on an even keel for me. Though I hate to say anything positive cause it seems that's when everything comes crashing down.. Jenga!!

For now I am just going with the flow.. enjoying job.. enjoying family and friends.. and the cloud that was on my shoulder seems to have shifted for now.

Stay positive and always look on the bright side of life!!


Tuesday, November 29, 2016

It doesn't feel that long

I get curious at times, I know I shouldn't but when something interests me I want to know more. For instance, I had forgotten when I started to write this blog. It shocked me to look back and see my very first post was in Oct 2006. That's ten years ago.. 10 years.. that's a life time!! I had aspirations that this would be a project of mine that would die out. I have mistaken myself, and although I don't write as much as I used to, I think this is one thing I have probably stuck to!

So happy birthday even if it is belated wishes blog, you have shared my good times and bad.. and I hope we continue on our path!!