Just another thought...

It's the things that make you go mmmm..

Kisa was a gift to me <3 Thank you for the memories..

Friday, May 27, 2016

All the single ladies.. put your hands up..!!

I have decided that I am probably better off on my own. I seem to accomplish more, and seems that I am more determined when I have only myself to answer too.

I tend to give my all when I am with someone. I forgo anything that I may have planned, choosing instead to accompany my companion and placing any ideas I might have had on hold.
I am currently single, and in that time I have passed my driving test, renewed my first aid certificate, changed jobs, booked holidays abroad and started a course of studying again. These are things that I probably would not have contemplated to seriously had I have been in a relationship.

My last relationship I have come to realise, was mainly focused on my then partner. I would rush home and practically wait for him to log onto his computer. (Although we were "together" he was in another country, so the internet was our communication tool. For the most part it worked, I guess, but was very draining and tiring. When the time come for him to make a big commitment, he backed out. So I guess that it was all very one sided in the end.) There I would be for most of my time, even sleeping with him on the other end of the screen. When he found out he had an illness, my first response was I needed to be with him. I actually did make plans unbeknown to him, too fly over while he was in hospital, but these fell through as the day I was due over, he was released. I never told him. I didn't want to worry him. Through our relationship there were things I done, but changed at last minute as he had other ideas. At least now if I want to be spontaneous, I only have to reason with myself.
Besides, being in a relationship is to tiring. I thought the idea of someone to join in your adventures with you is supposed too be a good idea. After the previous relationships I have had, I am passing up on this idea. Emotionally tired and wrecked, I don't think I can spend another moment trying to have someone too "fit" with.
Being single around friends who have partners is difficult. Being invited out to dinners and such like and feeling like you are a "third" wheel is somewhat awkward, but it is refreshing being able to hold your head up high and have a laugh.

For now and the foreseeable future, it is just me, myself and I. Yes that thing called love has scared me, scarred me and literally forsaken me. But I am not alone in this journey through life. I have my children, whom throughout my ups and downs have been close to me, I have my friends and I have my job. These things.. will see me travel far.  

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Nearly the end of another month!

Summer will soon be upon us. It has been nice and mild of late, makes going into work enjoyable if somewhat annoying with the sun reflecting off of the windows!
So half term starts this week. My #4 son is going on study leave. He will be leaving school and is due to start college in September. I can believe that I only have two school children left.
Still life goes on!
I have all but booked up all of my entitled holidays now. Hoping to take kids away at the end of July, then I have booked off some time in August around their birthdays. I might attempt a drive up to see my mother. That is if they don't go on their adventure holiday again this year. Then I have booked off time towards the end of the year to have grand baby #1 while mum and dad go away for a break.

Been decorating again. Tried to enrol help of #3 son who was not impressed! (But he did help) He broke his wrist again by being mugged =( It is a sad state of affairs when you cannot ride your push bike around without someone trying to take it from you. But I guess that is the world we live in nowadays. No one really cares.

I can't believe we are nearly halfway through the year already. I must be enjoying myself as time never seems to stand still.  I am still living with hurt memories though and I just keep myself busy so I don't have to remember. I am hoping that, one day i will wake up and not have to wonder at all. Anyway until such time I "plod" on. Trying to sort out getting a new car is keeping me occupied at the present. Working out money situations is interesting, as I hate Maths! Still keeps the brain active i suppose!

Ok work wise I am really enjoying what I do. It has made such a difference to my life clearing out the old and brining in the new. The change has worked well for me although the change in pay rate is somewhat annoying. Going from salaried to hourly was a drastic change, but has made things at home so much more smoother. I get to be with the kids more and together we are all more focused.

Anyway talking of home, I got food stuffs to get before I run off to work, so have a good one today in whatever you are doing!! 

Friday, April 15, 2016

Guess whose back..

So I missed a month. Yeah about that.. busy busy!!

I am really enjoying things at the moment. I am so glad I changed my job, I actually look forward to going into work. What a difference it has made, the knock on effect to everything else in my life at the moment is huge! I get to enjoy sunny days and adventures and trips and stuff!!

I had a ego boost the other day, while just minding my own business. I guess that lifts moods up as well!

So update.. hmm.. holiday booked.. nights out coming up.. trip to see both my brother and mother up north in the pipeline.. still pottering about.. still writing a book!

Installed a new Fridge (had to switch the doors around), Dishwasher, Washing Machine, Tumble Dryer. The only thing I personally could not put in was the new Cooker. Sense of achievement level high! lol

Anyway been a long day.. got washing to load.. and foods to make for tomorrow!

Night for now! xx

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Mad Cat Lady to be...

It's funny how time moves on.
How quickly someone can forget.
The touch, the smell, the sound, even the way that a person eats. How memories fade, being placed into a dusty filing cabinet in the back of our minds somewhere.

Time moves on. My mother of all people was right when she said this to me a few months back. I never listened to her in all my childhood days. She really does have some wisdom. She was wrong about one thing though. I guess it is because she doesn't know me inside as well as what she thinks. She was wrong about the forget part.
"Time moves on and you will forget".

Unfortunately, I have a very good memory. I only forget when I am forgiving. This time the pain I feel is not something I can not forget. In fact, it encroaches on my everyday life more than I care for it to. I haven't forgotten anything, I doubt I will.

I'm living a different life. Have moved on from where I was. Have grieved over the losses, have made new beginnings, friendships and places. But the pain that lies within me is a burden I feel I will carry to my grave.

That thing called love has broken me for the last time.

"Third time lucky?" No third time was a fail. One that I will not even try to recover from. I have been burnt oh to well, and do not wish to have my life turned upside down again, for anyone. My children, (who were also affected by the sudden vanishing act) have put on a brave face and tried to be strong for my benefit. I know that they were just as upset by everything as was I. I will not allow that to happen too them again. I made a promise when they were small, I was not going to be a mummy too have this man and that man in and out of their lives. I have repeated that promise now they are older and they are more aware of their surroundings.  The eldest have said they understand, and if I was to find another guy who was good for me then they are all to happy for me.

I guess I am to become the mad cat lady after all. When my children have grown, have families of their own, (as it is starting as I write), in maybe 10 years time, I will go on the cruise I long for, come back, and get a bungalow by the sea somewhere. Maybe open a animal sanctuary. Become the lady that no one knows, but yet they know that I look after the animals.

Who knows, maybe I will look back on this post. Smile perhaps, shed a tear as I have done this evening reading some of my other posts. But above all else.. I know I won't forget the feelings. 

Tuesday, January 05, 2016

Jan 2016

You probably don't know.. you probably don't care..you have moved on..and I'm not there. Not sure even if you think of me, not sure if you even dare.. but I still say good night and wish you good morning and good day in whatever is going your way.

Sometimes I wander around in a daze, wondering what would be happening at that moment. *shrugs*
Tears still come, sometimes while I sleep, I wake up and its horrid.
Don't know why I continue to do this too myself. 

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

And so here it is. .Merry Christmas...

It is Dec 22. Another year about to end. It is currently 11:16pm my time. I am sitting reflecting on the year. I want it to be over. I want the memories in my head to disappear. I hate Christmas time even more. I have more reasons to be sad at this time of year. I hope that next year I can finally shut the chapter of my life. That chapter has moved on, why the hell can't I? I knew this was never going to be easy for me. I don't trust someone like that. Serves me right, I shouldn't believe in "happy ever after" No such thing as fairy tales. Rainbows and Butterflies only exist in the books and films, why should they be in real life?
So I sit here. Everyday I say good morning, and good night. I don't think you do, I don't think you even care any more. I am completely lost, but I don't blame you. It's my own fault again, for thinking and trusting and letting myself believe.
New year, no tears (I hope) Onwards and upwards...
Here's to the future, 'cause I am hoping I have done with the past... 

Monday, November 30, 2015

Just because...