Hell no, not again.

I am happy in my little world, in my own little bubble. 

I think of the times I have had and smile. I have had a very hard life up until now I think. But I have come through pretty "normal" I think.

And relationships never seem to be the "thing" for me. 

So I am destined to stay single. 

I have aligned myself to this. 

I have only really had three major relationships in my life, as I wouldn't really count an online "relationship" as anything really. We were close, and I did have a lot of feelings for him, but we never really met up in real life and everything was just an illusion. I think we filled something for each other at a time of need. We don't even speak now. We used to keep in touch occasionally but I think he decided that enough was enough. It was a nice fantasy. 

Then I "met" someone else, again this was online, But this became a reality. We spent five years together. At first, it wasn't easy. There was a lot going the wrong way for us. I thought we had overcome the worst of it. But I was wrong. What I thought was my "happy ending" turned into another heartache and waste of time. 

I married young. This produced five of my six children. My Ex-husband was not the person I thought he was. You can look back in my blog to see some of the posts about my life with him. Not something I wish to encounter again. My eldest son was born again while I was young and foolish. I thought I was in love.

I think I have always had certain independence. I watched my mother and father and vowed that would never be me. I have since learned that my mother wasn't really as strong as she appeared to me to be. After leaving my dad, she got married to a guy who abused her in many ways. She died of a broken heart I think. 

I have built myself back up from my last relationship. It took a lot out of me. For a long time, I wished he would talk to me, if even just to tell me what happened on his part. I longed to hear from him, I cried more than I care to mention. Sometimes (and now it is very rare) I might wonder how he is. But I came out the other end. I do not wish to go there again. With anyone. 

My oldest and closest friend, whom I have taken to calling my adopted sister, thinks I "need" a companion. She worries that I will be lonely when my children do finally leave the home. I actually look forward to that, not the companion bit but the kids leaving home.  I know that I cannot let myself go through building a friendship, relationship and life with someone else. I am depleted of that kind of emotion. 

Me, unlike my mother, has learned that you make your own happiness. I grew up thinking that life was about getting married and having a family. As this was the way I was shown. I watch my children having their families, and wish them all the best. I hope that they don't feel that is what life is all about.

I was friendly with someone not long ago. To me, that was all it was. I was just being me and being "nice" I made it clear at the beginning that I was not looking for "anything," I thought that I had made myself very clear.  Needless to say, seems you cannot just be friends with a man just because. I am glad as I have since found out that if we did have any type of relationship, he already has a family. Not my thing. I don't share very well! 

So, with grey hairs in my head, I continue on in this life. I do not wish to impress anyone, so why should I bother to cover up the grey? Grey-headedness is a sign of wisdom (Proverbs 16:31) and I think I have had my fill up to this point! 

It's hell no not again from me! 

Look after you! 

And so 2021 goes a little like this..!

 I was at work talking about having a blog. Not even sure how it came up, think one of the guys was saying about wanting to set up a stories page. I can give him lots of stories! 

It's been a funny old year. Well over a year now. The whole world went into lockdown as someone thought it would be amusing to let a deadly virus creep around the world. We are still at this time in lockdown, though I go to work and it doesn't seem so. 

Kids have had to do their lessons online which made my son drop out for this year as he wants to be an electrician and needs to do the hands-on part having done all the theory that is possible. He isn't happy that he will have to repeat his year. I will be glad, his shouting and screaming at his game is very annoying.

I have been getting on with things. After losing my mother last year, I am now trying to sort out my remaining debts. Supposed to take my youngest kids on holiday in 6 weeks time.. still in lockdown so not sure how that is going to go. 

Mothers day in Merica today. We had ours in March. I don't celebrate it though, tell my kids daily that I love them and them me. 

Life pretty much trailing on as usual. .whatever that is for me.. work.. fix home.. cook foods.. wash washing.. rinse all and repeat..

Right onwards as I keep telling myself! 

Look after you and be safe.