Hell no, not again.

I am happy in my little world, in my own little bubble. 

I think of the times I have had and smile. I have had a very hard life up until now I think. But I have come through pretty "normal" I think.

And relationships never seem to be the "thing" for me. 

So I am destined to stay single. 

I have aligned myself to this. 

I have only really had three major relationships in my life, as I wouldn't really count an online "relationship" as anything really. We were close, and I did have a lot of feelings for him, but we never really met up in real life and everything was just an illusion. I think we filled something for each other at a time of need. We don't even speak now. We used to keep in touch occasionally but I think he decided that enough was enough. It was a nice fantasy. 

Then I "met" someone else, again this was online, But this became a reality. We spent five years together. At first, it wasn't easy. There was a lot going the wrong way for us. I thought we had overcome the worst of it. But I was wrong. What I thought was my "happy ending" turned into another heartache and waste of time. 

I married young. This produced five of my six children. My Ex-husband was not the person I thought he was. You can look back in my blog to see some of the posts about my life with him. Not something I wish to encounter again. My eldest son was born again while I was young and foolish. I thought I was in love.

I think I have always had certain independence. I watched my mother and father and vowed that would never be me. I have since learned that my mother wasn't really as strong as she appeared to me to be. After leaving my dad, she got married to a guy who abused her in many ways. She died of a broken heart I think. 

I have built myself back up from my last relationship. It took a lot out of me. For a long time, I wished he would talk to me, if even just to tell me what happened on his part. I longed to hear from him, I cried more than I care to mention. Sometimes (and now it is very rare) I might wonder how he is. But I came out the other end. I do not wish to go there again. With anyone. 

My oldest and closest friend, whom I have taken to calling my adopted sister, thinks I "need" a companion. She worries that I will be lonely when my children do finally leave the home. I actually look forward to that, not the companion bit but the kids leaving home.  I know that I cannot let myself go through building a friendship, relationship and life with someone else. I am depleted of that kind of emotion. 

Me, unlike my mother, has learned that you make your own happiness. I grew up thinking that life was about getting married and having a family. As this was the way I was shown. I watch my children having their families, and wish them all the best. I hope that they don't feel that is what life is all about.

I was friendly with someone not long ago. To me, that was all it was. I was just being me and being "nice" I made it clear at the beginning that I was not looking for "anything," I thought that I had made myself very clear.  Needless to say, seems you cannot just be friends with a man just because. I am glad as I have since found out that if we did have any type of relationship, he already has a family. Not my thing. I don't share very well! 

So, with grey hairs in my head, I continue on in this life. I do not wish to impress anyone, so why should I bother to cover up the grey? Grey-headedness is a sign of wisdom (Proverbs 16:31) and I think I have had my fill up to this point! 

It's hell no not again from me! 

Look after you!