Thoughts on a lazy Sunday

 Cooking a roast dinner so just taking a five-minute break to reminisce.  One of my sons and I are not on speaking terms and it is a very strange feeling. He recently got married and I wanted to give him and his new wife (although not a new daughter-in-law as they already have two children together) a day to remember.  They were originally just going to get married and have dinner.. I should have left them to it I have since learned.  Still, I am hopeful that my son will realise soon that it isn't really worth the relationship. Hope is a good thing.

In other news.. My uncle passed away a couple of weeks back.. so this year has been a funeral.. wedding.. funeral. I have a close friend who is 90-odd is currently in hospital and not doing too well. Makes you look at your own mortality I think. I know I have to sort some things out for my lot.. IE funeral arrangements and whatever.. I mean we all are going to die at some point.. right? 
 

I have a tale to tell...

 So this year.. I just recently lost my dad. Strange to say that, especially as he was already "lost" to me. He would have been 73 he died 2 weeks before that.. a week before my birthday.. died owing me a drink.. but I can forgive him after all.. he's dead. 

My number three son has decided that his partner of 9 years is "the one" and they will be made official in a couple of weeks time. So I have gone from a funeral to a wedding.. two weddings, in fact, my brother has decided that he has also found the one. .after meeting her just after our father died.. no comment.

Life seems not to have "settled" down for me. At the grand age I am I had hoped that I would be "comfortable" in my life, having spent the majority of it "fighting" one thing or another. Grandkids seem to bring a whole other set of problems. It is strange saying grandkids and yet your own children are still here. 
I am currently taking five from making wedding decorations, trying to spray a wooden easel a different colour is very entertaining. 
The ex is invited to this wedding.. he would be my son's father and all.. and to be honest I am not exactly sure how to feel about it. I know that my ex has something in store.. he volunteered to give money towards the food.. see and there is the thing.. I kinda knew he would as its food.. but as yet I have not worked out what the catch is.. I am NOT giving him a "lift" and I am NOT doing anything for him. In fact, as soon as I can I am giving him the money back, I know it's going to turn bad at some point. Not looking forward to all the goings on that will be at my home for the next few days. I am escaping for a week after though, but the fact that I will have grandchildren with me is not really an escape as such.  My son will come back and start a new job as a bus driver.. strange he's following in my dad's footsteps. 
The daughter is a big traveller, enjoying herself being able to drive. She has taken on a mission of getting to California for the upcoming wedding of one of her friends. Kudos to her.. at 21 I had 1 kid and was pregnant with another, home and a terrible husband so I am happy she didn't follow me!   

The weather at the moment here is like a psychotic female.. hot one minute the next pouring down, making it hard to decide on what to wear or what to do.. my garden is loving it.. I however am not looking forward to going out there and tackling the weeds. I also need to do my car!

Anyway, the cat is reminding me that I have not had my cup of tea or given her, her breakfast yet.. so I am going to take leave.. I will be back after the wedding probably! 

Take care of you x

I have just read some of my old posts. One was about going on a cruise. I am pleased to say I have done this! Returned from it last week. Was amazing! 

Canaries is where we went. Lovely place. Was warm as well.. we came back to drizzly London where the temperatures have been in their minus numbers. And because of this I ended up with a chest infection. The covid pandemic missed me but gloomy old London's cold got me! lol
I am now grand mum to six grand daughters. I am working two jobs, and yet I never seem to have "time or money" for anything other than bills, not the way I intended to be living when I was in my 50's. 
Anyway today is one of the rare Sunday's I have to go to work so this is going to be brief! 

Have a good oness 

IT's nearly SPRING!

Well, this year I am going to be 50. Half a century old. At the moment I definitely feel like it! Let's see,

Soon to be 5 grandchildren.. one for every ten years of my life! 

I work for a large company in retailing. We have had a very rough couple of years now. Covid19 was a big issue for many. Our restrictions here in the UK have finally been lifted. In retail, though it was as if we were never locked down. People got more horrid, rude and just generally unpleasant. 

The price of petrol has skyrocketed due to some war that Russia has decided to proclaim on its immediate neighbours. 

My best mate of nearly thirty years has had a brain tumour and is trying her hardest to recover. 

My ex-husband nearly died the only thing about this is that the children are worried about him more than they probably should be. He is currently trying to fight for disability payments and fighting the system so he doesn't have to go back to work. 

I am still single. I gave up long ago now. I go to work, might go out with the girls from work and home. I get the odd admiring glances. Or as the case happened today, got someone trying to talk to me in Asda (of all places) Actually I am finding this quite fun. I get to talk to almost anyone I choose and I don't have to make an excuse for why! I like having my own independence, though it would be nice to go to dinner with someone. 

With restrictions finally lifted I will finally be going on holiday. I am looking forward to this and the excitement that it is going to happen is brilliant.

Right now I am waiting on an email to let me know if I have managed to get promoted to the tech side of the company that I work for. I don't like waiting.. takes too long! *update: I got the email I was waiting for.. and unfortunately I didn't get the job promotion. I am waiting to see the scoring though*

Anyway, more on this as it happens! 

Night for now

2022 goes a little something like this.. hit it!!

 We are in 2022 at this point. I know I have not been very regular with this blog, but honestly, does anyone still do one in this day and age? It seems to be all about the Tik Tok people.

So where am I? Still work at the petrol station for said big company. Been put forward for a tech "BootCamp" will find out on Monday if I have been shortlisted. Sorta, kinda looking forward to it.. after all, I get to be at home with odd occasions of going onto  Holborn office. 

Son number 5 passed his electricians course.. with a distinction! Very proud of him.

The daughter and I continue to bang heads. She's being rebellious while trying to be "right". I plod on.

Boys 1 - 4 are all working and keeping busy. It is hard to sometimes "catch" one of them! Who would have thought there is such a thing as a telephone? 

Kids "dad" is currently in hospital. Seems to have nearly killed himself. While I'm not too bothered it's rallied all the kids around. Currently waiting on his discharge, which looks imminent. 

Got four granddaughters now, grandbaby number 5 is "cooking" currently. Seems strange to say that another one is on the way. But then, I don't think there will be any more for a while (I hope) 

Let's see Covid restrictions are being dropped soon. We appear to be one of the countries that have lower rates now.

But on that, the rate of living is getting out of control. 

I drove a bus! I am looking at different jobs and got through all the levels to drive a bus. I decided that I wouldn't be able to commit to the long hours and late shifts though. but I drove a bus!  (Can you tell I'm proud of myself!)

Been a long hard day at work today. No heating and stuck door = freezing cold regardless of how many layers we have on! Couldn't wait to get home.. but absolutely shattered! 

Jo is having problems with recovery. She wants to "get better now" sort of thing. I hope she has some sort of normality. I used to think it would be her pushing me about in a wheelchair. Time will definitely tell. 

Right, I am going to bed. Need to warm up! 

Look after you

Hell no, not again.

I am happy in my little world, in my own little bubble. 

I think of the times I have had and smile. I have had a very hard life up until now I think. But I have come through pretty "normal" I think.

And relationships never seem to be the "thing" for me. 

So I am destined to stay single. 

I have aligned myself to this. 

I have only really had three major relationships in my life, as I wouldn't really count an online "relationship" as anything really. We were close, and I did have a lot of feelings for him, but we never really met up in real life and everything was just an illusion. I think we filled something for each other at a time of need. We don't even speak now. We used to keep in touch occasionally but I think he decided that enough was enough. It was a nice fantasy. 

Then I "met" someone else, again this was online, But this became a reality. We spent five years together. At first, it wasn't easy. There was a lot going the wrong way for us. I thought we had overcome the worst of it. But I was wrong. What I thought was my "happy ending" turned into another heartache and waste of time. 

I married young. This produced five of my six children. My Ex-husband was not the person I thought he was. You can look back in my blog to see some of the posts about my life with him. Not something I wish to encounter again. My eldest son was born again while I was young and foolish. I thought I was in love.

I think I have always had certain independence. I watched my mother and father and vowed that would never be me. I have since learned that my mother wasn't really as strong as she appeared to me to be. After leaving my dad, she got married to a guy who abused her in many ways. She died of a broken heart I think. 

I have built myself back up from my last relationship. It took a lot out of me. For a long time, I wished he would talk to me, if even just to tell me what happened on his part. I longed to hear from him, I cried more than I care to mention. Sometimes (and now it is very rare) I might wonder how he is. But I came out the other end. I do not wish to go there again. With anyone. 

My oldest and closest friend, whom I have taken to calling my adopted sister, thinks I "need" a companion. She worries that I will be lonely when my children do finally leave the home. I actually look forward to that, not the companion bit but the kids leaving home.  I know that I cannot let myself go through building a friendship, relationship and life with someone else. I am depleted of that kind of emotion. 

Me, unlike my mother, has learned that you make your own happiness. I grew up thinking that life was about getting married and having a family. As this was the way I was shown. I watch my children having their families, and wish them all the best. I hope that they don't feel that is what life is all about.

I was friendly with someone not long ago. To me, that was all it was. I was just being me and being "nice" I made it clear at the beginning that I was not looking for "anything," I thought that I had made myself very clear.  Needless to say, seems you cannot just be friends with a man just because. I am glad as I have since found out that if we did have any type of relationship, he already has a family. Not my thing. I don't share very well! 

So, with grey hairs in my head, I continue on in this life. I do not wish to impress anyone, so why should I bother to cover up the grey? Grey-headedness is a sign of wisdom (Proverbs 16:31) and I think I have had my fill up to this point! 

It's hell no not again from me! 

Look after you! 

And so 2021 goes a little like this..!

 I was at work talking about having a blog. Not even sure how it came up, think one of the guys was saying about wanting to set up a stories page. I can give him lots of stories! 

It's been a funny old year. Well over a year now. The whole world went into lockdown as someone thought it would be amusing to let a deadly virus creep around the world. We are still at this time in lockdown, though I go to work and it doesn't seem so. 

Kids have had to do their lessons online which made my son drop out for this year as he wants to be an electrician and needs to do the hands-on part having done all the theory that is possible. He isn't happy that he will have to repeat his year. I will be glad, his shouting and screaming at his game is very annoying.

I have been getting on with things. After losing my mother last year, I am now trying to sort out my remaining debts. Supposed to take my youngest kids on holiday in 6 weeks time.. still in lockdown so not sure how that is going to go. 

Mothers day in Merica today. We had ours in March. I don't celebrate it though, tell my kids daily that I love them and them me. 

Life pretty much trailing on as usual. .whatever that is for me.. work.. fix home.. cook foods.. wash washing.. rinse all and repeat..

Right onwards as I keep telling myself! 

Look after you and be safe.