So now what..

It's 1 am on a Thursday night.
I have work in the morning. But this past week has finally caught up with me. The not sleeping, has left me totally exhausted to the point that I am now past tired. I have tried to talk to the American Half (Or Ex half..) and he isn't responding. I really would like to know what has happened, but it seems I am not going to get the answers that I wish to have. I was just getting to the point of "relaxing".. So I have a job that I hate, I can't change that at the moment, but hey at least I got a guy that thinks the world of me.. right? Well don't I feel silly. How can someone get dumped and don't know what for? And to be worse he wont even talk to me now. I have tried being polite. Have not begged, sent little texts, given him space as he asked, but now it seems he isn't coming back. And I am still asking the question why?
So here I sit in one of his T-Shirts watching his green dot on Skype and wishing he would just say hello. Not even say it but even type it would make me happy right now.. at least he would be thinking of me.

I really want to shout.. at what I don't know. Just need to burn whatever the feeling is that is in my chest.

I really need to give up I think. 

And again..

I need to mark today. I need to mark the inevitable (20:38pm) I got told that "I don't think we should be romantically linked at the moment, lets just stay friends" I knew it was coming.. I felt it.. things haven't been good for a long time.. not even while he was here.. it was a forced effort to do anything. Now I don't know what I feel.. I mean..I had the angry.. sad and guilty.. but now.. I am not even numb. Confused nope.. fed up more like. But now I feel like I probably can sort out my own head. I dunno... (19th July)

I was going to close this blog and not bother posting here anymore.
But after I sat here and poised over the delete button I decided that, that is probably not what I am ready or wanting to do.
This blog has been like an angst page for me. My somewhat happy times and mostly depressing times are noted here. Some memories that have been made, and remembered written down for time indefinite. I then decided that maybe it's a good thing to have. Give the kids something to look at when maybe I'm not here anymore. I wish I had my Nan's diary or scrapbook or something that she had written her thoughts on.

So its the middle of 2014. I am still in the job I hate with a passion. Though after two other "admin" walking out the boss seems to be somewhat tolerable. I have applied to another job, have to wait till the end of the month though to see if that comes to fruition. I hope it does, will mean less hours and maybe more time to sort my own life out. On that, I started driving lessons again.. it has been 15 years since I last drove a car. I took my first one last week, and the instructor thinks that I could have a full licence by Christmas.. at £50 a pop I should hope so!! I haven't told anyone close to me.. only the boyfriend, I wasn't surprised at his lack of encouragement though. I wish I could get someone to give him a kick up the backside at times..I really don't see how this is going to "pan" out to be honest. Time will tell. (Wish it would hurry the hell on)

Blahg I am going to bed.. I just got out the bath and thought I could do this.. but sitting here and typing this is making me angry.

Good night and look after you!