Monday, November 24, 2014
Monday, November 10, 2014
Is that the way it goes?
In my little world, I can say thing's have always seemed to me too be difficult.
I remember from a small age my parents shouting and arguing, while my brother and I sat at the top of the stairs trying our best to listen. I have vague memories of my mother taking us to my grandmothers one night..having to squash into a single bed, then to wake up the next day and she wasn't there. Or the prison visit we made to go see my dad. All strange things for a young girl to remember.
As time goes on, things you do in life are supposed to be changes. Learn from mistakes, difficult situations, improve what you don't like. I'm not proud.
I, like alot of people before me have made many a mistake. I just feel that I never seem to learn. Seems I continually make the same ones.
When I was a young girl, must have been six or seven as I was living with my dad, I had a crush on a guy from my school. I still remember his name, and he was a bit older than me. Bring on all the fantasies of princes and princesses, fair tale romances, the works. Told my dad he was the one I was going to marry. lol Needless to say, I grew up and moved on. Played kiss chase at school when I was about eleven, but any real ideas of having boyfriends went out the window.
Fast forward time. I'm sixteen, got major rubbish going on in my background, meet a guy who seems to like my company. Tries his best to get my attention, and succeeds eventually. Fast forward again, I'm now 18 and a single parent. I decide that it's just me and my son.
I try to get my life in order, I finish my school, and though there were guys interested in me, I worked hard for my son and my degree. I decided a long while that it will take a special kind of guy to win me over.
Seems though, I kiss princes, but they go and turn into frogs. Or as in the case of one guy, it was never anything real to start with, it could never have been, we both knew this.
Then, just over four years ago, I finally thought I could feel it again. That sudden butterflies feeling you get deep down inside, when you think about them it makes you smile for no reason but what you feel. After being let down again, I thought that this was finally going to be me.. I didn't want to admit it but I was in love. He got cold feet, felt his parents would disapprove and finished it before anything really started. But he decided that he wanted to be with me and tried too win me back. We got back together a couple of weeks after. But the damage was already done to me I think, I always had in the back of my mind that he would leave again. I hate it when I am right.
Now I sit here typing this nearly 5 months after he dumped me (again). He doesn't talk to me, he doesn't acknowledge me, and my heart is in a million pieces. The stupid thing is, I am waiting for him. Breaking my heart a little every day.. but I am hoping that he will come back. I talk to another guy and I feel as though I am cheating on him.
People tell me it gets better in time, you will forget just move on.. all the old clichés of there's other fish in the sea stuff.. I don't want other fish.. I already went fishing for what I wanted..
Does the pain ever end?
I remember from a small age my parents shouting and arguing, while my brother and I sat at the top of the stairs trying our best to listen. I have vague memories of my mother taking us to my grandmothers one night..having to squash into a single bed, then to wake up the next day and she wasn't there. Or the prison visit we made to go see my dad. All strange things for a young girl to remember.
As time goes on, things you do in life are supposed to be changes. Learn from mistakes, difficult situations, improve what you don't like. I'm not proud.
I, like alot of people before me have made many a mistake. I just feel that I never seem to learn. Seems I continually make the same ones.
When I was a young girl, must have been six or seven as I was living with my dad, I had a crush on a guy from my school. I still remember his name, and he was a bit older than me. Bring on all the fantasies of princes and princesses, fair tale romances, the works. Told my dad he was the one I was going to marry. lol Needless to say, I grew up and moved on. Played kiss chase at school when I was about eleven, but any real ideas of having boyfriends went out the window.
Fast forward time. I'm sixteen, got major rubbish going on in my background, meet a guy who seems to like my company. Tries his best to get my attention, and succeeds eventually. Fast forward again, I'm now 18 and a single parent. I decide that it's just me and my son.
I try to get my life in order, I finish my school, and though there were guys interested in me, I worked hard for my son and my degree. I decided a long while that it will take a special kind of guy to win me over.
Seems though, I kiss princes, but they go
Then, just over four years ago, I finally thought I could feel it again. That sudden butterflies feeling you get deep down inside, when you think about them it makes you smile for no reason but what you feel. After being let down again, I thought that this was finally going to be me.. I didn't want to admit it but I was in love. He got cold feet, felt his parents would disapprove and finished it before anything really started. But he decided that he wanted to be with me and tried too win me back. We got back together a couple of weeks after. But the damage was already done to me I think, I always had in the back of my mind that he would leave again. I hate it when I am right.
Now I sit here typing this nearly 5 months after he dumped me (again). He doesn't talk to me, he doesn't acknowledge me, and my heart is in a million pieces. The stupid thing is, I am waiting for him. Breaking my heart a little every day.. but I am hoping that he will come back. I talk to another guy and I feel as though I am cheating on him.
People tell me it gets better in time, you will forget just move on.. all the old clichés of there's other fish in the sea stuff.. I don't want other fish.. I already went fishing for what I wanted..
Does the pain ever end?
Sunday, November 09, 2014
How long?
It has been an age since you said what you did.
It feels like an eternity.
I have started sending your things back, it has not been an easy feat but it is a quest I will complete.
I don't cry daily, but the pain is still very raw. You still don't acknowledge me, only when your mother tells you that it is polite to say thank you.
Every day I say good morning. Every day I say good night. I am still lost. Every worry I told you of, everything I said I hope wouldn't happen, it did.
You was wrong, I did fall for you. I remember lying in your arms that last time, I saw something in your eyes, and I wanted to say "don't hurt me" I wish I had.
I wish I knew how I can stop the hurt, I wish I knew why I let people hurt me.
Most people are in for second chances, to at least say "right I know what I did wrong there, lets try it this way". You are not even willing to try. You just cut me out like I have never existed. Even Prince Harry reunited with a girl that he dumped.
I have had several people tell me that your heart wasn't really in it in the first place. You just wanted to come to London and not have to pay hotel fees. I feel used when they say things like that. I just want to hold you.
I don't know what I have done. I am not getting closure by you ignoring me, it is messing with my head. I read somewhere that just by cutting someone off it can actually mess with their mind. I agree, I have so many thoughts going on in my head I am surprising myself that I haven't had some kind of breakdown.
So you don't love me any more, or whatever your reason is, but I am a human being like you, can you not at least explain. Just saying "I am sorry for hurting you" is not an explanation. That is a statement for you to feel better, for you to not have guilt in ending things.
I don't know what I am going to do with the love I still have. The memories, the times I remember. All of this hurts so very much.
I wish I knew what to do now.
It feels like an eternity.
I have started sending your things back, it has not been an easy feat but it is a quest I will complete.
I don't cry daily, but the pain is still very raw. You still don't acknowledge me, only when your mother tells you that it is polite to say thank you.
Every day I say good morning. Every day I say good night. I am still lost. Every worry I told you of, everything I said I hope wouldn't happen, it did.
You was wrong, I did fall for you. I remember lying in your arms that last time, I saw something in your eyes, and I wanted to say "don't hurt me" I wish I had.
I wish I knew how I can stop the hurt, I wish I knew why I let people hurt me.
Most people are in for second chances, to at least say "right I know what I did wrong there, lets try it this way". You are not even willing to try. You just cut me out like I have never existed. Even Prince Harry reunited with a girl that he dumped.
I have had several people tell me that your heart wasn't really in it in the first place. You just wanted to come to London and not have to pay hotel fees. I feel used when they say things like that. I just want to hold you.
I don't know what I have done. I am not getting closure by you ignoring me, it is messing with my head. I read somewhere that just by cutting someone off it can actually mess with their mind. I agree, I have so many thoughts going on in my head I am surprising myself that I haven't had some kind of breakdown.
So you don't love me any more, or whatever your reason is, but I am a human being like you, can you not at least explain. Just saying "I am sorry for hurting you" is not an explanation. That is a statement for you to feel better, for you to not have guilt in ending things.
I don't know what I am going to do with the love I still have. The memories, the times I remember. All of this hurts so very much.
I wish I knew what to do now.