I often wonder, the what if's

I have noticed that I am being read. The stats don't tell me where from or even who, but deep down inside me, I am hoping ever so slightly that it may be my special someone from long ago.  I like to think he knows who he is.  But let me elaborate slightly. 

I was going through a very rough part of life. I had a young baby and other children, a terrible marriage, and I was young. I needed a distraction, something to take me into a world where I could be anyone I wanted to be. I became a pirate.  

At the time, it was a newish game on PC and was a world where you could sail a boat, make rum and eventually play cards. It was my escape. I played the games and hope to "upskill" so that my gaming stats will be good. I played with a close family member, and she had set up a crew. More people to mix with, and she ended up setting up a Ventrillo (a voice chat server) and so we ended up chatting with other people as we ran around with our little pirates. 

I got attached to a fellow crew member, and we eventually became "King and Queen" of the flag and indeed, we ran the crew. But aside from the game, we were chatting outside of it. Needless to say, we got close, even though he had said that it must never "become real".  I tried to make it unreal by acting like a "pirate" *shrug* I'd go and have a laugh with a friend and became his queen for a while. (It was never the same. I pined for my special someone.) Time went on, and my pirate moved servers (oceans), and I went looking for him again. We changed our characters and had some very good times. I loved him, but I knew he couldn't be mine. I was selfish because I didn't care. Then one day, he announced that there was going to be a mini him coming into the world. He faded away after that. He took a big piece of me with him. He would "pop up" sometimes, but I knew it was nothing when he announced that he was going to be a dad again. 
I still have some mementoes that he sent me. I smile and hide the pain when I look at them. 

If it is you reading this, I just want to say thank you. You made me believe, if only for a minute, but I know I won't find it again.  So I don't look now, I am content with just being me. 

Summer 2025

 Wow, it has been nearly a year since I last visited here. 
So much has happened and I have been so busy, so let's see:
Number 4 son just got married a couple of weeks back, so I guess that has taken up a lot of my time, though I did not have too much of a hands-on as I did with my other son's wedding. They went away for their honeymoon and came back happy. So I now have two sons married and that means two anniversaries within a couple of weeks of each other. 
My baby son has decided that he wants more in life and is debating on becoming a marine. Not to sure how I feel about this, time will tell. My daughter is setting up her own business as a nanny. Good I guess but I don't like kids that much! All my kids are doing something, and it is lovely watching them. They may complain about it, but they are putting so much into everything they do. 
I have an MOT coming up for my car. Can you believe it will be 10 years old in September? I don't know where time is going! 
I went back to nursing last year. I think that is why I  have been busy. Although I don't work for the NHS, I am community-based. So I'm coming home.. and crashing.. literally! Can't wait for retirement! 
Life in general is going ok. I am still very single, and to be honest, I like it that way. I find it hard now to trust anyone who even glances my way. And besides the way my life is now, I don't have room for anyone. I still have the odd discussions with my ex-husband, and trust me, that more than makes up for anything. I still dislike the fact that he thinks he has some form of control over me. The kids are grown now so technically I don't have to have anything to do with him, and for the most part I don't. But until I move away, he is always hovering. 

Still grieving for my dad and mum. Feels strange, I guess, to think that there is only my brother and I "left" My brother is trying to get back down this way, be nice, I guess, to have him here, but I am so used to being independent, I have yet to know how I feel on that.
The weather has been totally out of sync. its hot yet pouring down. Strange how we always talk about the weather. 
On that note, I am off its another afternoon.

lots of love x 

Thoughts on a lazy Sunday

 Cooking a roast dinner so just taking a five-minute break to reminisce.  One of my sons and I are not on speaking terms and it is a very strange feeling. He recently got married and I wanted to give him and his new wife (although not a new daughter-in-law as they already have two children together) a day to remember.  They were originally just going to get married and have dinner.. I should have left them to it I have since learned.  Still, I am hopeful that my son will realise soon that it isn't really worth the relationship. Hope is a good thing.

In other news.. My uncle passed away a couple of weeks back.. so this year has been a funeral.. wedding.. funeral. I have a close friend who is 90-odd is currently in hospital and not doing too well. Makes you look at your own mortality I think. I know I have to sort some things out for my lot.. IE funeral arrangements and whatever.. I mean we all are going to die at some point.. right? 
 

I have a tale to tell...

 So this year.. I just recently lost my dad. Strange to say that, especially as he was already "lost" to me. He would have been 73 he died 2 weeks before that.. a week before my birthday.. died owing me a drink.. but I can forgive him after all.. he's dead. 

My number three son has decided that his partner of 9 years is "the one" and they will be made official in a couple of weeks time. So I have gone from a funeral to a wedding.. two weddings, in fact, my brother has decided that he has also found the one. .after meeting her just after our father died.. no comment.

Life seems not to have "settled" down for me. At the grand age I am I had hoped that I would be "comfortable" in my life, having spent the majority of it "fighting" one thing or another. Grandkids seem to bring a whole other set of problems. It is strange saying grandkids and yet your own children are still here. 
I am currently taking five from making wedding decorations, trying to spray a wooden easel a different colour is very entertaining. 
The ex is invited to this wedding.. he would be my son's father and all.. and to be honest I am not exactly sure how to feel about it. I know that my ex has something in store.. he volunteered to give money towards the food.. see and there is the thing.. I kinda knew he would as its food.. but as yet I have not worked out what the catch is.. I am NOT giving him a "lift" and I am NOT doing anything for him. In fact, as soon as I can I am giving him the money back, I know it's going to turn bad at some point. Not looking forward to all the goings on that will be at my home for the next few days. I am escaping for a week after though, but the fact that I will have grandchildren with me is not really an escape as such.  My son will come back and start a new job as a bus driver.. strange he's following in my dad's footsteps. 
The daughter is a big traveller, enjoying herself being able to drive. She has taken on a mission of getting to California for the upcoming wedding of one of her friends. Kudos to her.. at 21 I had 1 kid and was pregnant with another, home and a terrible husband so I am happy she didn't follow me!   

The weather at the moment here is like a psychotic female.. hot one minute the next pouring down, making it hard to decide on what to wear or what to do.. my garden is loving it.. I however am not looking forward to going out there and tackling the weeds. I also need to do my car!

Anyway, the cat is reminding me that I have not had my cup of tea or given her, her breakfast yet.. so I am going to take leave.. I will be back after the wedding probably! 

Take care of you x

I have just read some of my old posts. One was about going on a cruise. I am pleased to say I have done this! Returned from it last week. Was amazing! 

Canaries is where we went. Lovely place. Was warm as well.. we came back to drizzly London where the temperatures have been in their minus numbers. And because of this I ended up with a chest infection. The covid pandemic missed me but gloomy old London's cold got me! lol
I am now grand mum to six grand daughters. I am working two jobs, and yet I never seem to have "time or money" for anything other than bills, not the way I intended to be living when I was in my 50's. 
Anyway today is one of the rare Sunday's I have to go to work so this is going to be brief! 

Have a good oness 

IT's nearly SPRING!

Well, this year I am going to be 50. Half a century old. At the moment I definitely feel like it! Let's see,

Soon to be 5 grandchildren.. one for every ten years of my life! 

I work for a large company in retailing. We have had a very rough couple of years now. Covid19 was a big issue for many. Our restrictions here in the UK have finally been lifted. In retail, though it was as if we were never locked down. People got more horrid, rude and just generally unpleasant. 

The price of petrol has skyrocketed due to some war that Russia has decided to proclaim on its immediate neighbours. 

My best mate of nearly thirty years has had a brain tumour and is trying her hardest to recover. 

My ex-husband nearly died the only thing about this is that the children are worried about him more than they probably should be. He is currently trying to fight for disability payments and fighting the system so he doesn't have to go back to work. 

I am still single. I gave up long ago now. I go to work, might go out with the girls from work and home. I get the odd admiring glances. Or as the case happened today, got someone trying to talk to me in Asda (of all places) Actually I am finding this quite fun. I get to talk to almost anyone I choose and I don't have to make an excuse for why! I like having my own independence, though it would be nice to go to dinner with someone. 

With restrictions finally lifted I will finally be going on holiday. I am looking forward to this and the excitement that it is going to happen is brilliant.

Right now I am waiting on an email to let me know if I have managed to get promoted to the tech side of the company that I work for. I don't like waiting.. takes too long! *update: I got the email I was waiting for.. and unfortunately I didn't get the job promotion. I am waiting to see the scoring though*

Anyway, more on this as it happens! 

Night for now

2022 goes a little something like this.. hit it!!

 We are in 2022 at this point. I know I have not been very regular with this blog, but honestly, does anyone still do one in this day and age? It seems to be all about the Tik Tok people.

So where am I? Still work at the petrol station for said big company. Been put forward for a tech "BootCamp" will find out on Monday if I have been shortlisted. Sorta, kinda looking forward to it.. after all, I get to be at home with odd occasions of going onto  Holborn office. 

Son number 5 passed his electricians course.. with a distinction! Very proud of him.

The daughter and I continue to bang heads. She's being rebellious while trying to be "right". I plod on.

Boys 1 - 4 are all working and keeping busy. It is hard to sometimes "catch" one of them! Who would have thought there is such a thing as a telephone? 

Kids "dad" is currently in hospital. Seems to have nearly killed himself. While I'm not too bothered it's rallied all the kids around. Currently waiting on his discharge, which looks imminent. 

Got four granddaughters now, grandbaby number 5 is "cooking" currently. Seems strange to say that another one is on the way. But then, I don't think there will be any more for a while (I hope) 

Let's see Covid restrictions are being dropped soon. We appear to be one of the countries that have lower rates now.

But on that, the rate of living is getting out of control. 

I drove a bus! I am looking at different jobs and got through all the levels to drive a bus. I decided that I wouldn't be able to commit to the long hours and late shifts though. but I drove a bus!  (Can you tell I'm proud of myself!)

Been a long hard day at work today. No heating and stuck door = freezing cold regardless of how many layers we have on! Couldn't wait to get home.. but absolutely shattered! 

Jo is having problems with recovery. She wants to "get better now" sort of thing. I hope she has some sort of normality. I used to think it would be her pushing me about in a wheelchair. Time will definitely tell. 

Right, I am going to bed. Need to warm up! 

Look after you