Sometimes a smile or sometimes a tear.

I blame myself, I really do. I know I said something that hurt, but I was drunk and for the life of me I wish I knew what it was. I don't blame you for hating me. You tried so hard, and I guess I couldn't see it. Maybe I didn't want to, maybe I couldn't. I am broken. I was hoping that you were the glue to fix me.
It is true what they say, you only miss something when it is no longer there. I miss you..Big Time..
It has been a while, I am guessing you are happy in what your life has for your now. You must be, you don't want to be "friends".. maybe you can't, maybe you just hate me so much that you don't want to waste your time on me. *shrug*
It still hurts. I think sometimes on the things that we did, the promises we made. Sad to say but I still have the Haribo Sweet Ring that you gave me..and the message in the bottle that you left... Remember? Actually I guess you don't want to.
I don't know if you still look at what I'm up to. I know when we last messaged a while back you mentioned that you had seen me "chasing all my life goals". I have been keeping myself busy.. on purpose.. so I can forget...move on the way you have.

This year so far, feels like it is dragging. The previous years have flown by really fast. I am trying to see what my next "goal" is. Taking the younger two on holiday is my focus at the moment. Quin always wanted to go on a plane, so I am flying him to Barcelona just after my birthday.  Then I am going to arrange a family holiday away in the summer holidays.. but I am stuck about what to do in between.
I am getting more confident I think in my driving, I have done a couple of motorway runs,so I think that a few days trips down to the beach will be on the cards when the warmer weather comes this way.

I need a new phone.. my OnePlus that you recommended I get, is slowly dying on me. That and the comp that I am typing this on, seem to be the only things left too remind me.  You made me clear the hard drives, remember? I wish I knew what you were planning at that time.. took memories.. You hit the "delete" button while I was still trying to figure out where it was..

Being single isn't so bad. I concentrate on things I want to do. I been too a lot of social events, both in daily life and through work. Kinda interesting when you can pick and choose, and not worry about what your partner wants or thinks.

I find condolence, security and a measure of peace within the Bible again. I have removed myself from situations that may cause me to wander. I learned lessons that I don't want to have too relearn. I don't think I could maintain a "normal functioning brain" if I went down them paths again.

So I keep busy in reading, working, and living a daily life. Trying not to plan too far ahead., but remembering that tomorrow when I wake up that day is for living. I tell my kids daily that I love them, all of them. After all, it isn't their fault that they are on this Earth. And who knows what tomorrow brings?

For now.. I should switch off the light, the brain and the comp and hope to wake up tomorrow with a love for the new day.

Goodnight and may Jehovah bless your day xx