I'm with stupid.

My friend who blog writes, text me just before I went away on holiday. She wanted to know about my latest blogs. I said that I was working on a write up about them. I was, it was stored in my documents. I just didn't have the strength to finish it and publish it.
I have been away on a holiday, (I will bore you all with the deatils in another post soon) and took my laptop with me. I guess the sun kept me calm enough to finish that post. Below you can read.

I'm begining to think that I am crazy.

I fell in love, and I knew that it was an impossible situation to be in. For reasons I really donot wish to explain, I knew though, deep down in my heart, that it was something that would never be.

I tried desperatly hard to keep my attraction as friendly as possible, without getting too involved.. of course that was never the way it was going to be, I fell hopelessly, in a way that I can be honest in saying I have never felt before.
In trying to keep things friendly, I pushed him away, emotionally. Was my "defense". He though, persisted and put up with my tantrums and my dealings with him. To the point where I relented. Truth be known, I would have fallen into his arms at any given moment. I would have loved to show him them "bits" of me noone else ever gets a chance too see. Would have loved to have had the chance at loving him, he after all is such a lovely person.

And that is not a biased opinion.

I used to always think that the saying about a soulmate was just that, a saying. I never really felt that strong kind of connection in any relationship previously. And now, I don't think I will ever have anything that gets as close. Because I don't let people get close to me ordinarily. With him though, and I still cannot explain why, he just "felt right". Without him now, it feels as though there is something in me missing.

I was recently diagonsed as having a hole in my heart. I was talking to a friend of mine, who commented that I truely can say that I have a broken heart then. I have to agree. 'Cause that is exactly how it feels.

After to long pushing him away, he finally drew the conclusion that he can't keep on. That whatever his or my feelings were, they would have to now become "just friends". What does "just friends" entail, after you love someone? Who knows?
So far it entails the odd snippets of conversation, at times when it is "convienient". The odd message, and phone call.
And boy, is that so different.

And why am I going crazy?

After so long pushing him away, trying not to want him around, I am missing him like crazy. Everyday I have thoughts of him. Wondering what he is doing, clock watching and saying to myself he would be doing "blah blah" now. I don't think that I have ever shed so many tears at one time.

I now totally agree with an ancient proverb:
Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.
It has taught me.

And you know who you are, if you are reading this, thank you.