Memories?

I fell in love a while back. I think those that are close to me know what I am talking about. No, I am not talking about the impending divorce..(soon be "free").. I am talking about the one who actually had a hold of me, though I am not totally sure that he really even realised.

I was talking about relationships the other day to my best friend, who herself is having a tumoil right now. And the very subject of my "last love" came up. Currently this is a subject that I am not really open to discuss with too many people, but she is one that I do open up to. She herself is a romancist, (if there is such a word), she believe's in a happy ending in everything.

Anyway we got to discussing my "situation" and she came up with several "happy endings", all of which I told her will not be possible. But she like's to think otherwise, so I leave her to her fantasies, let her think life is a cloud. But in the meantime she made me stop and take a "stock" of my life. I think that her comment "girl you have become a hard b*tch", sort of stirred me. Got me wondering if that is what I have become, cold, bitter and hardened.

I don't walk around with my heart on a sleeve. It is quite a trek to get too it, and it will take whoever dares, a while to even get close. I have had a few "interested" parties that have tried to venture, but before they even get on the right track, they meet a stop signal. I guess my naive streak has finally passed.

It took me a long time to "get over" my first-ever boyfriend. I put alot of emotion into that relationship..I was young, and at the time it was exciting. But he did me wrong. I fell pregnant, and at the same-time found out that someone else was also carrying his child. I had to move far away from him, and the memories. Yes, I ran away. I took time too recover, and had nothing what-so-ever to do with him for a good few years. He wasn't interested in seeing his son anyway. But when he did finally "pop-around" again, it wasn't his son he wanted.

I closed that chapter of my life there and then.

Think that was the start of my guarding myself. Then I met my soon to be Ex.
It wasn't "love" that attracted me to him, it was lust. I wanted.. and I got. From there on everything happened really fast. He had moved in and a wedding was being planned in the short space of 10 months. To cut it short, lust soon wore off.. but I had made this "bed" and I was going to try too stick it out.

Then four years ago, love hit me. It was like a "bolt out the blue" type thing. Definatly a feeling, not a reaction. Just a word from him caused me to feel weak. In fact, it still has that effect, though I guess he dosn't know it now.

There were several things wrong though. At the time I hadn't even "met" him. Just spoken to him, spent time with him, laughed and joked around with him.
I never told him for a long time though, how I felt about him. We got closer over time, I learned that he was in the middle of wedding preparations.
We spoke alot about everything, how he was feeling about certain events that were happening. He grumbled, when him and his fianceé had a disagreement. We even swapped cooking receipes!!
He got married, then disappeared. Or that is what I thought.

To cut it short he returned and we grew very close again. But time apart had messed us up. I thought that I was "dumped" and decided to console myself by getting "attached" to someone who had shown an interest in me. No, it wasn't love.. just a distraction. But the trust between us just "diminished". He didn't trust me, and all the love I felt for him was never enough. He finally ended it.

We occasionally talk today, I'm not sure how he feels anymore, if, he even feels I should say. I on the other hand am left feeling like it was yesterday.

This is supposed to be another chapter of my life that should be brought to an end. Instead I quote the words of my friend: "Girl you have become a hard B*tch", because I don't want to get hurt anymore.

So why have I wasted however long it has been to put this into words? Someone told me once, "better out than in".. thing is I am not totally convinced.

You decide, then tell me what an Idiot I am.