Lonely

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dm3z_7Dl5b4

I never wanted to be a girl who went from one relationship into another. Having a string of guys before I found "the one" has never been my idea of how to conduct myself. I took my time to even get involved with anyone on a romantic kind of scale, this time round. To be honest I wasn't really looking for anything.

Alarm bells have been ringing in my head over this relationship, for a while. We have only really been together coming up a year. In that time, so many disagreements and arguments. It is making me wonder if this is really all worth it. I do not want to be stuck in another relationship where I end up being taken for granted.

Do not get me wrong. He showers me with gifts, get's worried if I am not there, tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. All the "things" a guy is supposed to do I guess. But something is missing.

I know that I can be "hardened" at times. But generally I am someone who would do anything for a quiet life. I will go with the flow generally, unless there is something I really do not agree with or like. This morning was such an event.

I awoke at 7am (GMT time), making it 2am (EST) his time. I was surprised to see him still on-line so I call him:

Me:"Good morning"
Him:"Good morning, come and talk to my friends with me"
Me:"I just woke up, I don't feel like it to be honest"
Him:"Why do you have to be such a c*nt?"

He then proceeded to stay awake for the next hour and a half and basically ignore me. When he did finally "acknowledge" me it was to send an emotiocon and log off.
This isn't the first time he has been this way towards me. He puts it down to being a "brash American".. "it's just how we are"

Now the past couple of days, I have been feeling really down. The kitchen sink being blocked, had something to do with it. Gave me the feeling that I just couldn't cope.. led me into a semi depressed mood. The first day of me feeling like this, I simply just logged off of everything and spent the day sleeping..He only sent me a mail once in that day, telling me to call him as he hadn't seen me all day. To be honest I didn't. I really didn't feel the need to, it just felt like he had too put something to acknowledge me "missing", rather than be genuine in his caring whether I was around or not. I cried that night.
The next day, he tried to ring me on Skype. I ignored his call, simply because I wasn't ready to "face" him. An hour or two after a cup of tea, I sent him a message, asking him that I had missed a call by him and was he al-right. He replied that he was worried about me, then called in.. He apologised for the mood I was feeling, said he felt he was being a "terrible boyfriend" and felt bad because he wasn't exactly here to make me feel better. I told him it wasn't his fault, but the worst thing he could have done was "leave me to my own devices". It makes me feel that no-one is actually there for me. He then stayed on the call with me, but again, I felt this was more out of necessitation than really wanting to. Then this morning the above scenario.
I am planning to have "alone" time today, I am going to be a stubborn mule and ignore him. I am not sure what will come out of it, but I am pretty sure that an end is in sight. Which is why the title of this post. I am supposedly in a relationship with someone, who, is supposed to love me. I feel so alone and confused that this simply cannot be what I need or am looking for.. can it?


***update***
The time as I look at it at the moment is 22:41. Just over an hour ago I tried unsuccessfully to talk too the guy mentioned in this post. Apparently he wanted nothing to do with me if I was "pouting".. He has basically ignored me all day. I "intrude" on a conversation that he was having in Ventrilo with someone, to be told by him that he didn't want to "hang around with me". I replied so be it. I have now changed my Face book status to reflect the end of our relationship. Something I knew would be coming. I know he has seen it..He's currently logged in there himself. He has said nothing. So I guess that 'another one bites the dust' What is it with me and relationships? Am I ever going to find "the one"?

The "low" down as it is at the moment...

So I return to my blog, to see that I haven't been here since October. I guess my monthly resolve proved a little hard to keep, once my life started "swinging" again. I will return as much as I can though, I do enjoy reading some of the old stuff myself. Memories and reminders and stuff.

I ended up going to New York. Stayed in Manhattan. I must say though, I came home absolutely shattered. Four days was not really enough. Everything felt rushed. Managed to take plenty of pictures though, so have lots of reminders. I would like to try to go back out there at the end of this year. Will just have to see how the finances hold up. My relationship with "my American" (as he has been called to date), seems to be going "ok" at the moment. I do hope I haven't put a dampener on it by saying that. We met up again while I was out there. He was the perfect gentleman. If I manage to make it out there this year, then I will be meeting "officially" with his family. I have met them all informally, but this is the "invited to dinner and questions" routine I guess.

Home-wise, Eldest son ended up moving back in and giving up his own flat. That makes five kids at home here, so as you can imagine it is a tad hectic here. The second son (now turned 16) has set up "roost" with his long term girlfriend. This is something that I don't very much approve of, but if it makes him happy, and keeps him out of trouble then, so be it. I am going through the dreaded teens again with son number 3.. the attitudes, slamming of doors, answering back.. isn't it grand? I feel I get over it with one, and another begins. Number four son borders on it sometimes, so I guess it won't be to long with him either. yuck!!

My mother has declared an intention of coming down to stay. I again have too find room to put her.. I am currently looking for a bed settee, too put in my living room and swap out my two seater. Having the eldest move back in took up my spare room, he decided to throw my chair bed thing away and buy himself a bed.

I barely speak to the ex now. He decides to drop "plans" as and when it suits him. I am glad that I had a "back up" plan for my trip to NY.. if I had to rely on him, I would never have went. He messed me up over the Christmas holidays as it was. I decided long ago that he was unreliable anyway. I try to get the children to "deal" with him directly. That way if he has to "do something" and not come for them that weekend, it is him telling them, not me. It does inconvenience me though, not knowing whether I can make plans for that weekend, till the last minute. Solutions please.. I'm running out of ideas other than legal.

Me, myself.. I'm plodding on. I currently have a blocked sink downstairs in the kitchen, it is driving me crazy, I know that I am going to have too take the pipe apart and I don't really want to! On top of my ever climbing job descriptions I can now add "plumber" lol! "It's me Mario!!" I still have a slight feeling of unhappiness, and I am not totally sure as to why. I keep it mostly hidden though, how can I explain what I don't know or understand myself?

Anyway, until next time.. adios!!